What about when it comes to your marriage?
Do you listen to your partner like you would a good friend? Or is it more like you’re kinda listening but really thinking about how wrong they are and what you’re planning to say as a rebuttal?
Listening sounds so simple. Yet, when you’re out of practice it can feel really hard to do.
The truth is most of us could probably work on our listening skills especially when it comes to our significant relationships.
In long term marriage it is very common for partners to become focused on being heard by the other but are often not so good at listening to each other.
So don’t feel bad if this is you. Like other skills, you can get better at this through practice.
So, Think for a moment.
What happens when your partner says something you don’t like or DON’T agree with?
Do you pause, get curious and ASK QUESTIONS about why he thinks that?
Or, do you GET DEFENSIVE and tell him he’s wrong, and that’s a stupid idea and we’re not doing it that way!?
Do you judge, criticize and offer your unsolicited solution… “you should….”
I used to do that too. Not just with my husband but with my kids as well.
The outcome was always the same. Neither of us felt heard. We were both angry and annoyed with each other and could never seem to have a productive conversation.
The good news is
You don’t have to solve ALL of your problems to communicate better.
You don’t need to rehash every argument from the past
But you do have to become a better listener.
No I mean like really listening.
That means being curious, asking questions to learn more about your partner, staying calm and accepting even when you don’t agree.
These are skills that will benefit you in any relationship.
When I learned to listen and be curious instead of critical and judgmental I learned things about my husband I didn’t know. Because my curiosity invited conversation.
And conversation invites connection.
The same is true with my kids, who are now 18 and 20. Instead of telling them what they should do, I ask them to tell me what they think.
When you get quiet and listen, they talk.
These are the exact skills I help my clients practice and strengthen, and they end up being able to communicate in ways that bring closeness and connection instead of distance and disconnect in their marriage.
Maybe reading this has confirmed that you are already aware of what you’re doing, but you don’t know how to change your DEFAULT RESPONSE. And you’re certainly not alone if this is the case.
That’s exactly what I help women and couples with in my 1:1 private coaching.
Working with me will help you STOP reacting with blame, defensiveness and anger, listen with curiosity, let go of past resentments, and enjoy being married again.
With my supportive instruction, accountability, and feedback you will receive, YOU can learn to COMMUNICATE better and RECONNECT to your partner and listen to each other like good friends.
Schedule a call with me and we can set up a time to chat and determine whether working with me is right for you.
This is a free 30 minute ‘get to know you’ call.
You can tell me what’s currently going on in your marriage, how you want it to be different and I’ll share with you how I can help you.