You can react or respond in your marriage.

LIVING YOUR LIFE IN REACTION TO THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL IS EXHAUSTING. ​

Especially in your marriage.​

You wish that you didn’t get so hurt by things that your partner says or does?​

You DON’T have to!​

But you have to decide to CHANGE THE NARRATIVE you have about him, yourself and your marriage.​

This was a LIFE CHANGING shift that freed me from feeling anxious, depressed and worried so much of the time. ​

I was reflecting this weekend on how different my marriage is now than it was 8-10 years ago. ​ ​

Something that would have previously set me off on a spiral of ​ negative thoughts about him and our marriage was but a moment to notice how far I’ve come in my personal growth. ​ ​

Friday my husband told me he was going out with friends on Sunday.​

He said it like we’d already discussed it or that he’d already told me about it.​

What? Where are you going?​
I told you….​
No you didn’t, but it’s not a problem. ​ What’s your plan?​
And then he explained.​

I noticed in that very moment that I was happy for him. ​ ​

In fact, It always makes me happy when he has time with his friends. ​ ​
I didn’t always feel that way. ​ ​

OLD ME would have been angry that he didn’t tell me. ​ ​
Or that he thought he told me and he didn’t. ​ ​
I would have made up a story that he never tells me anything. ​ ​

Ultimately making it mean that he doesn’t care about me or that I’m not important. ​ ​

Hmmm, that’s an interesting story. ​ ​

So easy for me to look at it now and see how I let so many well practiced thoughts CONTROL MY LIFE. ​

OLD ME would have felt hurt that he was going to spend the day with his friends instead of hanging out with me. ​ ​

Now, I’m excited to have the day to myself. ​ ​
I love spending time alone. ​ ​
I used to dread it because I didn’t like being with myself. ​ ​

My mind was always filled with negative chatter that was uncomfortable and I wanted to be busy to get away from my own thoughts. ​ ​

What’s different?​

There is no mind drama about this being a big deal. ​ ​
There is no questioning our relationship because he forgot to tell me something.​
There is no making it mean that he doesn’t care or that he’d prefer to be with his friends.​

OLD ME MADE IT ALL ABOUT ME.​

Every little thing felt like a slight. ​

I was EITHER in a state of being hurt or recovering from feeling hurt. ​

It was exhausting and miserable. ​ ​

And now…​

I choose to think that it’s never about me.​
It’s only ever about me when I think it is.​

This my friends is a shift in thinking that can set you free. ​ ​

Not taking things personally, not making everything someone else does mean something about YOU will change your LIFE. ​ ​

How did it change my life?​
I’m happier​
I like myself more​
I enjoy being alone​
I enjoy my husband more​
I don’t let what others do determine my worth or my happiness.​

This is the kind of work I do with women & couples when I coach them 1:1. ​

Of course they come to me to work on their marriage.​

BUT the real work of changing your marriage is changing the relationship you have with YOURSELF. ​ ​

I help you take control of your life instead of living in reaction to all the things outside of you.​

So you are living from an EMPOWERED place and designing your life instead of feeling like life is happening to you.

Would you like to react less in your marriage or other relationships in your life?

Have You Forgotten to Listen?

THE reason YOUR HUSBAND is NOT talking to YOU is because you’re NOT LISTENING.​

You probably don’t even realize it. ​ ​
In fact you probably consider yourself a really good listener. ​
​ ​
But what happens when your husband says something you don’t like or don’t agree with?​

Do you pause and get curious and ask questions about why he thinks that?​

Or do you get defensive and tell him he’s wrong and that’s a stupid idea and we’re not doing it that way?​

Let’s say he tells you about a work situation, a difficult meeting with his boss or something like that. ​ ​


A few minute into the story and you start judging how he handled it and tell him he should have said, or should have done, why did you say it that way……​

He feels judged and criticized instead of supported. ​ ​

If these situations come up often enough he will eventually feel like “why bother”, “I’m not gonna tell her because she’s just gonna get mad or tell me I’m wrong”. ​ ​

So he stops sharing. ​ And you wonder why he doesn’t share. ​

It’s the same situation with your kids. ​

You want them to tell you everything, want to know what’s going on in their lives, want them to feel safe and comfortable enough to tell you if they get into trouble or need a ride home because they can’t drive. ​ ​

The only way they are going to feel safe enough to do that is if YOU make it safe for them to do that. ​ ​

You do that by managing your own emotions and reactions when you don’t agree with what they are saying. ​ ​

You stay curious and open and listen without judgment. ​ ​

If you want your husband to talk to you more, check in with yourself and notice where you might be shutting this down without knowing it. ​ ​

Your reactions can invite lies OR invite the truth. ​ ​
It’s your choice.

Who’s Right…Who’s Wrong…Who Cares?

​Do you think to yourself, If my partner would just see things my way (the right way) then you wouldn’t keep having the same stupid arguments?​
If I asked you what you were fighting about would you even remember? ​ ​
Probably not. ​😆
You’re so committed to being right and feeling wronged by your partner that you easily lose sight of the actual issue.​
In the end, the biggest loser is your marriage. And you lose out on the love and connection you truly want with your partner. ​
What’s the solution to ending these patterns for good?​
YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP THE NEED TO BE RIGHT​
There are always different ways of looking at the same thing. ​ ​
This does not mean that one way is right and one is wrong. ​ It’s just different. ✨
It’s entirely possible for you to be in the same situation together yet have a totally different perspective
or remember things in a completely different way. ​ ​ ​
It’s not that your partner is lying when you have different stories about the same situation.​
What if you’re both right?😳
If you believed this, how would that change your relationship? ​ ​ ​
When you can learn to acknowledge your partner’s perspective even when you don’t agree
this can dramatically change your relationship. ​ ​
You can say something like, “I see what you’re saying”, “why is that important to you?”, “I can understand how you would feel that way”. ​
➣When you stop fighting to be right you can completely change the way you and your partner talk to each other, which ultimately will change the quality of your marriage. ​ ​
➣From being filled with tension, stress, resentment, and walking on eggshells to not upset your partner… to feeling at ease, working as a team, understanding and accepting each other with an open mind and heart.​
➢Disagreements can be just disagreements without it escalating into a big argument and you can still feel close and loving even when you don’t agree.​
When you find yourself caught up in trying to convince your partner or prove to him that your way is the right way, stop! ​ ​
✅ ​ Remind yourself that your partner is on the same team as you.​
​ ​
✅ ​ Ask yourself, how is it possible that we’re both right? ​ ​
✅ ​ Learn to accept that you see things differently. ​ ​
Be curious about their thoughts and feelings instead of just pushing your own agenda. ​ ​
✅ ​ Acknowledge your partner’s point of view without judgment.​
And remember, acknowledgement does NOT equal agreement.​
When you stop believing there is a right way and a wrong way you won’t feel like you have to fight your partner on everything. ​ ​
You make space for a difference of opinion. ​ ​
Yours and theirs. ​ 💑
Accepting your differences with love and respect is challenging. ​ But it is one of the key ingredients for having a successful, connected marriage. ​ ​
If the need to be right is ruining your relationship, ​you’re struggling with the same fights over and over ​
and want to put an end to this for good, ​so you can be happy in your marriage again, I can help. ​
Send me a message today and we’ll see if my coaching is right for you.
For more tips on how to have a marriage you love join my group!