Category: Marriage Coaching – My Marriage Works

How Empathy Saved My Marriage

May 7, 2023 by Elyssa Manis

I consider myself a pretty empathic person. I’m a therapist after all. I’d make a pretty lousy therapist if I didn’t have empathy.

Yet when it came to my marriage. Empathy was NOWHERE to be found.

I mean sure, it was there in the beginning. It is in all new relationships, at the falling in love stage. It’s easy then.

It was much harder to feel empathy when I was knee deep in anger and resentment that has built up over the years.

Years of feeling like I was “trying”, yet nothing was changing.

What I wasn’t able to see at the time was that I was being the worst version of myself in my approach towards my husband…..and yet, at the time, I really believed I was the only one trying.

It was so hard for me to see that the demanding, critical version of me was actually pushing away the very thing I wanted.

Do you ever notice that we tend to treat the people we love the most, the worst?

This is a common problem I see with many of the clients I work with.

They get so focused on WHAT THEY WANT and how they’re not getting it. That they can’t see that the way they are going about it IS what’s making it so difficult for their partner to give to them.

They aren’t aware of how their partner is experiencing them or how they are being impacted by the complaints and criticism.

And so your partner, on the receiving end, is feeling like they can never do anything right.

When people feel this way, they actually STOP TRYING. They figure, no matter what I do it’s not going to be good enough so why bother.

For example, say you want more quality time with your partner but instead of telling them you miss them and want to spend time together.

You tell them, “you never makes me a priority, you never have time for me, you always do this, I can’t count on you to be there”.

Criticism, complaint and demands are ways you, perhaps unknowingly, try to get more of what you want.

But let’s face it, NO ONE responds well to being criticized. No one feels motivated to give when they are repeatedly criticized.

You may think, I’m just telling them what I want. And it is true. You are telling them what you want.

But in a way that makes it impossible for your partner to want to do the things you’re asking for.

And as a successful woman, running her own business, caring for your family, you wonder why can’t someone take care of me once in a while. Why do I have to do everything all the time? Why does my partner NOT see that?

True. YOU DO DESERVE ALL OF THAT AND MORE. 💞
A partner that sees you, supports you, and treats you like the goddess you are.

But first…… you have to be aware of HOW YOU ARE GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY.

How a single focus and a lack of empathy keep you stuck in this painful pattern.

I know. Years ago I was exactly where you may be right now.

So how did I turn things around in my marriage to become the happiest I’ve ever been?

After some years of being stuck in these same kinds of patterns, I eventually started to not feel good about who I was being as a partner.

My grumpy, critical, negative, frustrated mood was not only taking a toll on my marriage it was taking a toll on ME.

I didn’t want to feel this way either, any more than my husband wanted me to be nagging at him all the time.

That’s when I told myself it was time for a change.

And it was the first time I started to think about, like really think about, how my actions, words, behavior was impacting my husband.

I really thought about what it must feel like to be on the receiving end of what I was dishing out.

Now remember, I’m an empathic person, so when I really allowed myself to think about this, it completely changed the game for me.

⚡ I started to put myself in his shoes and appreciate how it must have felt for him to feel like he was always being criticized and no matter what he did it was always wrong or never good enough.

I started to soften, I was less angry, and honestly, I felt some guilt that I’d been this way for so long.

Recognizing that changed the game for me AND for my marriage.

HOW DID EMPATHY CHANGE MY MARRIAGE?

Once I was aware of this, there was no going back. I started to really think about what I was going to say and how I was going to say it.

It helped me tune into my husband and really want to understand him instead of justifying and defending my position all the time.

I was able to see his efforts and not just dismiss everything he was doing.

Instead of only focusing on what I wasn’t getting I started to notice all the ways he was already giving to me that I was NOT paying attention to.

By The simple act of noticing positive aspects of my partner and our marriage, I felt so much better.

Empathy truly is the bridge to intimacy.

And it can easily get lost in long term marriages.

And so that’s one of the important skills that I help my clients with in my 12 week marriage mastery program.

The lack of empathy, the lack of being able to recognize how your behavior and words have an impact on your partner will keep you disconnected.

So this is a must if you want to reconnect to love and appreciation for your spouse.

What does empathy do for an intimate relationship?
It heals, it connects, it softens, it accepts.
It’s the magic elixir.
It can quickly eliminate the cycles of conflict and disconnection.

The power of empathy cannot be underestimated.

To bring empathy back to your marriage I help my clients move out of a self focused perspective to considering the relationship as a whole instead of a you against me.

Realizing that you are a part of the pattern and you are also having an impact on your partner.

I help you unpack the negative labels and your preconceived ideas and judgments about your partner that prevent you from seeing the full story of your relationship.

You learn to connect with yourself again and bring awareness to how you’re showing up.

Not from a place of blame or judgement but simply being aware so that you can choose to do it differently.

You learn new ways of communicating so criticism, complaints and demands are replaced with requests, acknowledgment and appreciation.

I teach you how to listen to your partner is a whole new way. Without defending, without righteousness, without judgement.

Because when you are defending, being judgy and righteous you CAN’T possibly feel empathy or feel connected to your spouse.

These are skills that take time to learn and require a willingness to look at how you can improve your response to your partner even when you don’t like or don’t agree with what they say or do.

We all have a deep need to feel heard and understood and when we do, we can’t help but feel close and connected to the other person.

When you make these changes, your partner will naturally be more responsive to you. You are way more likely to have them want to do the things you request.

This is the work of creating a fulfilling, thriving, satisfying marriage for life.

It’s not the quick fix. It’s not “our marriage will be better when they change”.

That simply doesn’t work, which you’ve probably already discovered.

If you’ve been on the path for a while and you’ve not been able to create lasting sustainable change, you likely need a different approach.

An approach that has you solving the fight of the week or efforting to get your partner to do the things you want….keeps you spinning your wheels.

Things always revert back to the same old same old.

My MARRIAGE MASTERY approach is different in that the focus is on changing the patterns, not the person!

You definitely can influence your partner, when you shift they will shift.

But TRYING TO CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE is an exercise in futility.

PATTERNS, you can change them.

When each person is focused on changing their part.

And if you’re doing this work alone that’s ok too.

Because, like I said, if you shift they will shift.
So even if you’re the only one working on making a shift you will absolutely see a shift in your relationship dynamics and patterns.

So what do you say?

Does your marriage need a dose of empathy?

If you’re looping in circles you need a new approach, I can show you exactly what you can do to turn your marriage around and rekindle the love and connection you once shared.

If interested send me a message. Let me know how long you’ve been married, what you’ve already done to try and fix things and how you want your marriage to be different.

If it sounds like something I can help you with we can schedule a call to get you started in my 12 week coaching program.

50% of Marriages End in Divorce

May 7, 2023May 5, 2023 by Elyssa Manis

50% of marriages end in divorce 60% of second time marriages end in divorce.

Why are these stats so high?

I believe the real problem is that people don’t know how to be married.

No one ever teaches us how to be in a healthy, thriving, successful marriage.

We just assume, get married and live happily ever after.

Until you don’t.

THE TRUTH IS MOST PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO GET DIVORCED.

Divorce is painful, costly and fractures families.

But when you’ve been struggling for a lot of years and you’re in pain it can feel like the only option.

In my experience the issues that you’re fighting about, the issues that are seemingly ruining your relationship, ARE NOT deal breaker issues.

It less about the issues themselves, and really about HOW YOU TALK ABOU THE ISSUES, that create the problems.

The repeated triggering and re triggering of each other over and over again, without knowing how to repair, causes the marriage to break down over time.

These repeated cycles of hurt chip away at the goodwill in the relationship.

It gets to a point where you just can’t stand it anymore. It feels so intolerable to continue on this way.

You can’t imagine it ever getting better so the next step would have to be separation or divorce.
But what if you could actually learn HOW TO BE MARRIED in a whole new way.

Actually LEARN THE SKILLS THAT YOU WERE NEVER TAUGHT about how to have a healthy, satisfying marriage?

After doing this work for over a decade and working with hundreds of couples, what I have found to be the biggest challenge for married people is how they deal with differences in their relationship.

This could be anything from how you parent, to how you spend money, how you want to spend free time, how you fold laundry, how often you want to have sex….
The list is endless.

Every single marriage will have an infinite list of both big and small differences.

You are different people, from different backgrounds, with different experiences, who see the world and life through a different lens.

Yet, many of us go into marriage expecting that our partner will see and do things the same way we do.

When your differences really start to show themselves is where most relationships start to struggle.

Those that are unable to move on from these struggles and instead, continue fighting against their differences, are the relationships that fail.

Those that ARE ABLE TO use their struggles to grow and learn and evolve together in their marriage…..
learning to accept and appreciate their differences, are the ones that find a deeper intimacy, respect and appreciation in their relationship.

Accepting and appreciating differences sounds like a very simple thing. And it is simple, in theory, but it’s hard to do because we’re human.
It can be challenging to hold onto our own perspective while listening to our partner’s perspective when it differs from ours, without immediately invalidating or dismissing or making the other person wrong.

You may feel triggered when you see your partner interact with your children differently than you would. You may want to jump in and tell them they’re doing it wrong and they should do it the way you do. You may be dumbfounded that your partner could possibly think the way they do.

Your own growth in this area, your ability to be curious about and respect your partner’s differences, IS what will allow your marriage to grow and flourish.

Which is exactly why I created Marriage Mastery.

TO TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO BE MARRIED!

✅ How to communicate around their differences.
✅ How to be with each other respectfully when you disagree.
✅ How to understand, accept and appreciate differences…..

Instead of trying to make them go away.
✅ How to listen to each other… And be curious about your partner’s world instead of being defensive and judgmental when you don’t agree.
✅ How to manage your own emotions when conversations get tense, so you can work through tough issues without it ending in a heated argument.
✅ How to express yourself in a calm respectful way so you can still feel close to your spouse despite your differences.

After years of doing this work, I’ve created my own process to help people heal and strengthen their marriage even when their differences feel insurmountable.

I’ll say it again….differences are a normal part of any and all relationships and what matters is how we deal with them.

THESE ARE SKILLS THAT CAN BE LEARNED. 
You don’t have to keep living with the struggles in your marriage and divorce doesn’t have to be the only option.

Many of my clients who come to me, they don’t want to go the divorce route.

Has it been a thought in their head? Yes.

But only because they’re in a lot of pain and they don’t know what else to do, but it’s NOT the thing they want.

In Marriage Mastery I teach the skills you need to know in order to deal with your differences effectively.

By learning to see your marriage problems as a lack of skill, a lack of knowing what to do…. This takes the pressure off of needing to place blame or fault on one of you.

Once you start to see your problems from a different perspective you start to feel more hopeful and motivated to do what it will take.

And when I explain to them WHY they are struggling so much and HOW they can turn their marriage around, they immediately feel a sense of hope.

They have been looking for someone to tell them, YES I CAN HELP YOU and here’s how.

Nothing brings me more joy than seeing my clients feel relieved and hopeful that there is a better path forward for their marriage.

Each session I notice their shoulders slightly lower because they are no longer carrying the tension in their body, their interactions are kinder and more compassionate.

Yes, they are having hard conversations but for the first time they are having these conversations in a meaningful way.

They are hearing each other and listening to each other in a new way. They are feeling heard and understood.

The anger is replaced with the more vulnerable feelings of a longing to be close to the other. It truly is an honor to witness and be able to support people in this process.

Marriage Mastery is my 12 week private coaching program for midlife, professional, self aware, insightful women (& couples), who have been married for years, who are committed to staying married but know the relationship needs to change.

My 3 month marriage coaching intensive is the fastest way to transform your marriage and life and save years of continued unhappiness.

The women and couples I work with, who have the best results, are those that are self aware and open-minded and are willing to take responsibility for their part in the marriage issues rather than just blame their partner.

They are willing and motivated to do the daily work it takes to create a healthy thriving relationship because they know that if they do the work it will truly be life-changing for both them and their partner.

They are action takers and will implement the new behaviors, perspective shifts and consistently exercise the emotional muscle it takes to break old patterns and forge a new path forward.

I am kind and compassionate but I will also hold you accountable for the work you commit to and lovingly call you out when you’re not showing up for yourself and your commitment to change.

If you’re struggling or feeling frustrated right now and you know things have not been getting magically better, you’re committed to making your marriage work, you want to turn things around now AND you’re ready to invest in working with a mentor who has proven results, send me a message and we can see if working together is a fit.

Tired of Walking Around on Eggshells in Your Marriage?

February 10, 2023 by Elyssa Manis

You’re careful about what you say so you don’t upset your partner and cause an argument.

You pain over how to bring up an issue because you’re worried about how he’ll react.

Censoring what you say and how you say it is so natural you don’t even realize you’re doing it most of the time.

These patterns of relating and communicating are common in many couple relationships and are the reason so many couples feel resentful and disconnected from each other.

These patterns go on for years, sometimes decades and even though they likely don’t make your relationship any better you can’t imagine how to do it differently.

Some people avoid conflict at all cost and live pleasantly with no real depth to their relationship.

Some argue frequently and then just move on after a few days without ever addressing the issue, until the argument comes up again.

Each relationship develops different patterns.

The common denominator is these patterns are painful and compromise the quality of your life and marriage.

The good news is you can change these patterns no matter how long you’ve been at it.

Just like my client who was in this exact place when we started working together.

She had always described herself as a confident, direct, say it how it is kind of person.

That is in all places except her marriage.

When conversations became tense her husband would raise his voice, get defensive or angry. She would get defensive and angry back and then they wouldn’t talk for days.

He would go radio silent and she didn’t know what to say or do to make things better but she knew she hated the silence between them.

It was painful to live this way. Not knowing when he would be ready to talk again.

Because of this, she decided it was better to not bring up things that might cause this to happen again.

That’s when she decided it was better to keep her concerns to herself. She stopped sharing her thoughts, feelings, desires, concerns openly and honestly.

She started internalizing everything instead of bringing it up with her husband because she couldn’t bare the stonewalling.

Not being true to herself, not speaking up or being honest had it’s own set of repercussions.

The more she censored herself, walked on eggshells, didn’t voice her concerns, She noticed she started to feel anxious and depressed.

She even started to consider that their marriage just wouldn’t work and that without him changing she couldn’t see how this could possibly work.

All of that changed over the months that we worked together.

First I helped her see that her avoidance was causing much more harm to their relationship and to her.

In the moment she might avoid an argument but the long term consequences of that was compromising her mental health and she started to feel more hopeless about their marriage and considered they may have to separate.

With weekly coaching sessions she learned to think about conflict differently. Viewing it as an opportunity for each of them to grow as people and as a couple rather than something to be avoided.

She stopped feeling responsible for her husband’s reactions and focused on controlling her own emotions and reactions.

She went from thinking she had to adjust her behavior so he didn’t get upset to realizing It’s ok for him to have his reactions, to be upset or angry and she only has to work on how she responds to him.

This freed up so much mental energy for her to focus on how to communicate more effectively with him.

She learned how to bring up concerns in a confident, assertive way even if her husband disagreed or didn’t like what she was saying.

She learned to set boundaries when she felt like the conversation was heading down a bad path.

She started to be more herself again. Speaking up for herself confidently and directly.
Telling her husband what she wanted instead of complaining of what wasn’t happening.
And guess what…..her husband responded much better than she ever imagined.

He was responding to the changes she was making. He had a better understanding of what her concerns were and what she wanted because of the more direct, non blaming way she was communicating.

It was easier for him to receive her message when it was delivered in this way.

This is true of all relationships.

The more she showed up in her power and communicated assertively, when she talked about what she wanted instead of talking about him, speaking without blame, criticism or judgment, things started to shift in their relationship.

Depression and anxiety lifted and she began to have hope about their marriage again.

As a couple they started to work more as a team. Supporting each other through difficulties instead of working against each other.

She feels so much better about herself and her marriage and feels equipped to deal with things that come their way.

She is more accepting of her husband and his differences rather than making them mean that they don’t belong together.

This is what can happen when you learn the skills and tools that it takes to have a successful, supportive loving partnership.

Do You Consider Yourself a Good Listener?

December 2, 2022November 27, 2022 by Elyssa Manis

What about when it comes to your marriage?

Do you listen to your partner like you would a good friend? Or is it more like you’re kinda listening but really thinking about how wrong they are and what you’re planning to say as a rebuttal?

Listening sounds so simple. Yet, when you’re out of practice it can feel really hard to do.

The truth is most of us could probably work on our listening skills especially when it comes to our significant relationships.

In long term marriage it is very common for partners to become focused on being heard by the other but are often not so good at listening to each other.

So don’t feel bad if this is you. Like other skills, you can get better at this through practice.

So, Think for a moment.

What happens when your partner says something you don’t like or DON’T agree with?

Do you pause, get curious and ASK QUESTIONS about why he thinks that?

Or, do you GET DEFENSIVE and tell him he’s wrong, and that’s a stupid idea and we’re not doing it that way!?

Do you judge, criticize and offer your unsolicited solution… “you should….”

I used to do that too. Not just with my husband but with my kids as well.

The outcome was always the same. Neither of us felt heard. We were both angry and annoyed with each other and could never seem to have a productive conversation.

The good news is
You don’t have to solve ALL of your problems to communicate better.

You don’t need to rehash every argument from the past

But you do have to become a better listener.

No I mean like really listening.

That means being curious, asking questions to learn more about your partner, staying calm and accepting even when you don’t agree.

These are skills that will benefit you in any relationship.

When I learned to listen and be curious instead of critical and judgmental I learned things about my husband I didn’t know. Because my curiosity invited conversation.

And conversation invites connection.

The same is true with my kids, who are now 18 and 20. Instead of telling them what they should do, I ask them to tell me what they think.

When you get quiet and listen, they talk.

These are the exact skills I help my clients practice and strengthen, and they end up being able to communicate in ways that bring closeness and connection instead of distance and disconnect in their marriage.

Maybe reading this has confirmed that you are already aware of what you’re doing, but you don’t know how to change your DEFAULT RESPONSE. And you’re certainly not alone if this is the case.

That’s exactly what I help women and couples with in my 1:1 private coaching.

Working with me will help you STOP reacting with blame, defensiveness and anger, listen with curiosity, let go of past resentments, and enjoy being married again.

With my supportive instruction, accountability, and feedback you will receive, YOU can learn to COMMUNICATE better and RECONNECT to your partner and listen to each other like good friends.

Schedule a call with me and we can set up a time to chat and determine whether working with me is right for you.
This is a free 30 minute ‘get to know you’ call.

You can tell me what’s currently going on in your marriage, how you want it to be different and I’ll share with you how I can help you.

We’re Just So Different

September 27, 2021 by Denise Fitzpatrick

I hear this from every woman or couple I work with.

They think “we’re just so different” is the reason their relationship is not working.

And wonder “how do we make this work when we can’t agree on anything”.

Earlier in my own marriage this is exactly what I thought.

My husband and I are so different, did I marry the right person.

Let’s be honest.

You married your partner in the first place because he was different than you.

It wasn’t a problem then and it’s not a problem now.

You just stopped accepting and appreciating those differences the way you once did.

The truth is you will have differences in any relationship.

They will be a different set of differences in another relationship but you’ll still have to figure out how to deal with them.

Letting go of judgment. 👈🏻

Accepting people for who they are. 💕

May not be easy but is critical for the success of any relationship.

Whether with your partner, your children, parents, co workers, etc.

And yourself!

Chances are if you’re judging them you’re also judging you.

I used to get so mad at my husband when he didn’t have the same thoughts and feelings I did about something. 😡 😡

If I got mad, for example…..
At the take out guy who got our order wrong,
Or the person in front of us driving really slow,
Or the lawn guy who sprayed our lawn when it was raining…

I expected my husband to be mad too.

But the truth is, he wasn’t bothered by stuff like that.
Still isn’t.

And that bothered me.

Now, I wasn’t just mad at the lawn guy.

I was mad at my husband for not being mad at the lawn guy!

Sounds silly when I actually write it out. 😜

I would literally argue with him because I thought he should be mad like I was.

Can you relate??

Here’s what I learned that has changed my marriage.

It’s not the differences that are the problem, it’s the judgment, criticism and intolerance that their perspective is different than yours. 💯

Ask yourself, why is it so important that my partner agree with me on this?

What do you make it mean when they don’t?

It took a lot of practice for me to finally be able to break this pattern.

I still see it come up for me from time to time.
I can see myself quietly judging him.

⚡️ But now I’m able to stop myself and recognize what I’m doing before I start trying to change his mind.

⚡️ The more I was able to do that the less I reacted in anger and judgment.

⚡️ We stopped having so many arguments.

⚡️ I was less frustrated and annoyed and felt more loving towards my husband.

⚡️ I started to actually listen to his thoughts and feelings instead of criticizing them.

⚡️ I made a genuine effort to understand his perspective by being curious and asking questions.

This was a relief for both of us. ✨ ❤️ ✨

And relieved so much tension in our marriage.

I felt more loving and accepting when I let go of judgment and stopped trying to change him.

I feel lighter just writing that. 🤩

If your differences are taking a toll on your relationship

If you’re stuck in a similar pattern as I was and you want to figure out how to let go of judgment and reconnect with love so you can be happy in your marriage, I can help! 💕

Send me a private message and let’s talk about the dreams you have for you future together.

Everyday We Have Opportunities to GROW & EVOLVE Into a Higher Version of Ourselves

September 27, 2021September 2, 2021 by Denise Fitzpatrick

Not only in our marriage.

In EVERY relationship we are a part of.

From children, to parents, to the check out clerk at the grocery store, literally everyone we come in contact with.

Through our relationships with other people we learn more about ourselves.

And we get to practice BECOMING more of who we want to be. 💗

This morning I had the opportunity to practice this “becoming” with my son.

Who saved his summer reading for the week before school starts! 😡

I was tempted to step into an unproductive argument with him.

Over the years, I’ve stepped into this struggle countless times around this same issue.

The OLD VERSION OF ME would have yelled, told him what to do, blamed him for not planning properly.

We would have fought, shed tears, been mad at each other.

And NOTHING would have been accomplished from that interaction except perhaps feeling hurt.

Forcing, blaming, judging, controlling … ❌

How does that work?

If you’re a parent YOU KNOW exactly how that worked.

Actually, anytime we force, judge, blame or try to control….IT NEVER WORKS.

So instead I paused. ⏸

I didn’t react.

I thought about how I wanted to respond. 😢

I reminded myself, this is his problem to solve not mine.

These are the same “skills” or EMOTIONAL MUSCLE I developed and used to transform my marriage.

Building this emotional muscle starts with YOU getting more connected with yourself, INSTEAD OF focusing on your partner.

It really is the only way to create the change you want.

⚡️ Your power comes from YOU being connected to yourself
⚡️ Deciding who you want to be.
⚡️ How you want to show up in your relationships
⚡️ And not trying to force or change another.

Because when we try to change other people it just doesn’t work. ❌

When I change….my relationships change
When I change…..I create exactly what I want
When I change…..I’m powerful
When I change……I’m no longer a victim
When I change….. I become the person I’m meant to be

↠ So how did I handle the situation with my son?

👉🏻 I noticed my urge to step in and tell him what to do.

❌ I thought about it but knew it wouldn’t be helpful.

🔑 This is key, being aware of your own thinking while it’s happening so you can do something different in a moment when you typically just react.

✅ Instead, I asked him questions about how much time he thought he needed and when he thought he’d be able to get it done.

🧠 It gave him a chance to think about it for himself.

😌 I stayed calm and unattached to what he decided.

👉🏻 I no longer try to control the outcome.

It’s up to HIM.

He may have to deal with consequences if he doesn’t get it done and he might not be happy about those consequences but it’s NOT MY JOB to control what happens.

It’s not my job to try and control things so he doesn’t have to feel frustrated or disappointed.

Rather than struggling with me, he had to BE WITH himself.

If I was my OLD REACTIVE SELF, he’d have been focused on my anger instead of on coming up with a plan to get his work done.

When I try to control I ROB HIM of the opportunity to grow.

And I ROB MYSELF of the opportunity to grow as well.

To sit with my own uncomfortable feelings of not doing what I normally would do. Which is to jump in and problem solve or rescue him from experiencing his own discomfort.

At the end of the day, This makes for a MUCH BETTER relationship between us. 💯

Are you caught up in these type of struggles with someone in your life?

I work with women who are insightful and self aware, who know they want to change and grow and have more meaningful and fulfilling relationships but don’t know where to start.

If that’s you I invite you to send me a message. 💗

We can talk about what patterns are showing up in your relationships that you’d like to change, what it will take for you to become the next versions of yourself and how I can help you get there.

5 Weeks Ago My Client Was Considering Divorce!

September 26, 2021August 10, 2021 by Denise Fitzpatrick

She was doubtful that doing the work ALONE would make a difference in her marriage.

She was CONVINCED that her HUSBAND needed to participate in marriage coaching or it wouldn’t work.

After just 5 sessions working together SHE IS SEEING BIG SHIFTS in her marriage just by changing what she’s doing. 😇 😇

These ARE NOT massive changes.

These are SMALL TWEAKS in her perspective.

She is seeing how her thoughts and beliefs ARE creating her experience of her marriage.

And realizing SHE CAN change her experience by changing her thoughts.

She is owning HER PART in the painful cycle of arguments.

AND she is starting to see things from HER PARTNER’S PERSPECTIVE.

She is seeing quick results because….

She is open to looking at HER OWN contribution to the problems.

She’s open to learning more ABOUT HERSELF, instead of continuing to blame her partner.

She’s WILLING to see things from a different perspective. 👀

She’s blown away that she didn’t see things in this new way before.

She had blinders on.
We ALL have blinders on to seeing ourselves clearly.

That’s why it’s critical to have A MENTOR support you and guide you through these challenges.

A month ago she was talking about separating because the arguing was just too painful.

It was the last thing she wanted she just didn’t see any way forward.
Now she is feeling more at peace, there is less conflict, she is feeling hopeful about her marriage, she is enjoying her partner again.

What she knows now WILL FOREVER CHANGE THE TRAJECTORY OF HER LIFE and marriage.

Everyday, people walk away from their marriage even when they don’t want to because the emotional suffering becomes too much to handle.

And like my client, many don’t see a solution.

IT’S NOT OUR FAULT.

Most of us were never taught how to have a happy healthy marriage. The great news is it’s NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN.

I know you’re struggling right now, you’ve lost hope that change is possible. I want you to know IT’S ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE for you to be happy in your marriage again.

I can show you how to TRANSFORM YOUR MARRIAGE from barely surviving to fully thriving.

If you can relate to my client’s story and you want to stop suffering and enjoy being married again I invite you to send me a message. 💖

➡️ We can talk about what patterns are showing up in your relationships that you’d like to change.

➡️ What it will take for you to have the marriage and life you truly desire and

➡️ How I will help you get there.

Wondering How to Convince Your Partner to Go to Marriage Counseling With You?

September 26, 2021July 26, 2021 by Denise Fitzpatrick

So the therapist can take your side.

Tell your husband the same things you’ve been telling him for years.

And hopefully, finally, he’ll see he’s wrong and HE’LL CHANGE?

If you’re nodding your head in agreement.

Like yes of course that’s exactly it.

❌. I hate to burst your bubble but THAT’S EXACTLY THE REASON you’re struggling in your marriage.

The woman that has a LIFE & MARRIAGE SHE LOVES knows her relationship is simply a mirror.

Reflecting back to her the places within that need healing.

She might not know what the solution is but SHE KNOWS it starts with LOOKING INWARD rather than getting caught up in an endless cycle of blame and criticism.

She’s NOT looking for the traditional therapist to rehash the argument of the week.

She’s been that route.

She knows she needs something more than what therapy can offer.

She is NOT looking for the quick fix because

She knows doing this kind of work is an ongoing process of personal growth and evolution.

And she’s EXCITED to do this work.

She’s been on this path for a while.
AND wants to break free of the self imposed constraints that have held her back in her life and relationships.

She’s NOT shopping for the cheapest option.

She’s accustom to investing in her personal growth.

She understands the commitment and focus that comes from investing in herself and her marriage.

The woman that TRULY DESIRES to change her life & marriage understands how precious life is and
Is not interested in wasting any more time.

She’s decided SHE’S NOT WILLING to settle for a mediocre marriage or life.

She wants to be pushed, be challenged, get out of her comfort zone, try new things, hold herself to a higher standard.

Because she understands, THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES to continue growing and evolving.

There’s no need to convince this woman.
She’s all in for herself.

IS THIS WOMAN YOU?

Why It’s Not Working

May 17, 2021 by Denise Fitzpatrick

WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?

Trying to change what you’re doing WITHOUT changing your beliefs and attitudes ONLY creates temporary change.

You’ve been caught in a painful cycle of arguments.

YOUR TRIGGERS ARE RUNNING THE SHOW.

And without fail your weekend was ruined by another big blow out?

All over something STUPID.
🙄

Like most arguments, you don’t even remember what you were fighting about.

Quiet tension and cold distance continues long after the fight until one of you breaks the silence.

YOU PROMISE TO TRY HARDER.

You make agreements with yourself, with your partner, you’re gonna do it different.

You’re not going to react like this.
You’re going to stay calm and talk things through.

The next time comes.

And the minute you get triggered you go right back into the SAME OLD WAYS, the same old reactive response.

Defensive, blaming, judging and criticizing.

This PAINFUL CYCLE is impacting everything in your life, even if you don’t realize it.

I didn’t realize it either until I FREED MYSELF FROM LIVING IN EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY to things I couldn’t control.

It was affecting my mental and emotional well being, the well being of my family.

My kids were so aware of what was going on even though I liked to think they didn’t.

So why wasn’t it working? Why couldn’t we change?

YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE PATTERNS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT CHANGING YOUR THOUGHT, BELIEFS AND ATTITUDES. 💯

What are your current thoughts and beliefs about your partner, your marriage?

DO YOU BELIEVE
You partner is wrong?
He always does X.
This will never change.
What’s wrong with him.
If he would only…… I wouldn’t have to feel this way

The narrative has to change if you want to create lasting change in your marriage.

Changing the narrative, the negative thoughts & beliefs is what CHANGED MY MARRIAGE FOR GOOD.

What gave me the internal peace I’d been desperate for (my whole life).

What led to better relationships with my boys.

What helped me to stop personalizing other people’s behavior.

What helped me stop being a victim to my circumstance?

WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR THINKING, BEHAVIOR CHANGES CAN HAPPEN QUICKLY

Most of us have been repeating the SAME THOUGHTS OVER AND OVER for years and don’t realize how they contribute to creating our current reality.

That’s where a coach can help you.

As a marriage & relationship coach I help you see the things you can’t see so you can make the changes you haven’t been able to make on your own.

I can help you solve these problems for good so you can stop just surviving in your marriage and start thriving.

In my 1:1 private coaching I’ll help you…

✔︎Identify and understand the patterns of communication that keep you looping in the same arguments.

✔︎Identify and change the thoughts and beliefs that are contributing to keeping you stuck.

✔︎So you can learn to manage your triggers and respond instead of react.

You can create an entirely different narrative about your marriage and your partner and have a relationship that’s even better than you dreamed.

If you’re ready to improve communication so you can stop having the same fight over and over and enjoy being married again then send me a private message.

You can react or respond in your marriage

December 2, 2022March 28, 2021 by Denise Fitzpatrick

LIVING YOUR LIFE IN REACTION TO THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL IS EXHAUSTING. 

Especially in your marriage.

You wish that you didn’t get so hurt by things that your partner says or does?

You DON’T have to!

But you have to decide to CHANGE THE NARRATIVE you have about him, yourself and your marriage.

This was a LIFE CHANGING shift that freed me from feeling anxious, depressed and worried so much of the time.

I was reflecting this weekend on how different my marriage is now than it was 8-10 years ago.

Something that would have previously set me off on a spiral of negative thoughts about him and our marriage was but a moment to notice how far I’ve come in my personal growth.

Friday my husband told me he was going out with friends on Sunday.

He said it like we’d already discussed it or that he’d already told me about it.

What? Where are you going?
I told you….
No you didn’t, but it’s not a problem. What’s your plan?
And then he explained.

I noticed in that very moment that I was happy for him.

In fact, It always makes me happy when he has time with his friends.
I didn’t always feel that way.

OLD ME would have been angry that he didn’t tell me. 
Or that he thought he told me and he didn’t.
I would have made up a story that he never tells me anything.

Ultimately making it mean that he doesn’t care about me or that I’m not important.

Hmmm, that’s an interesting story.

So easy for me to look at it now and see how I let so many well practiced thoughts CONTROL MY LIFE.

OLD ME would have felt hurt that he was going to spend the day with his friends instead of hanging out with me.

Now, I’m excited to have the day to myself.
I love spending time alone.
I used to dread it because I didn’t like being with myself.

My mind was always filled with negative chatter that was uncomfortable and I wanted to be busy to get away from my own thoughts.

What’s different?

There is no mind drama about this being a big deal.
There is no questioning our relationship because he forgot to tell me something.
There is no making it mean that he doesn’t care or that he’d prefer to be with his friends.

OLD ME MADE IT ALL ABOUT ME.

Every little thing felt like a slight.

I was EITHER in a state of being hurt or recovering from feeling hurt.

It was exhausting and miserable.

And now…

I choose to think that it’s never about me.
It’s only ever about me when I think it is.

This my friends is a shift in thinking that can set you free.

Not taking things personally, not making everything someone else does mean something about YOU will change your LIFE.

How did it change my life?
I’m happier
I like myself more
I enjoy being alone
I enjoy my husband more
I don’t let what others do determine my worth or my happiness.

This is the kind of work I do with women & couples when I coach them 1:1.

Of course they come to me to work on their marriage.

BUT the real work of changing your marriage is changing the relationship you have with YOURSELF.

I help you take control of your life instead of living in reaction to all the things outside of you.

So you are living from an EMPOWERED place and designing your life instead of feeling like life is happening to you.

Would you like to react less in your marriage or other relationships in your life?

That’s exactly what I help my clients do. Want to learn more…. Couples Coaching Coaching for Women

Or complete the form below and I’ll get back to you to schedule a time to chat!

LET’S CHAT