The real reason you can’t fix your MARRIAGE

The reason you haven’t been able to fix your marriage problems on your own is simply because you don’t know how.
You’ve been trying for years but it’s not working and so you’re left thinking there must be something wrong with you. ​ ​
Let me assure you, not being able to fix this on your own does NOT mean ​
➤There’s something wrong with you​.
➤It doesn’t mean you don’t belong together​.
➤It doesn’t mean you married the wrong person.​
➤It doesn’t mean that you’re marriage is destined to fail or be miserable.
The problem is simply that you’ve been repeatedly trying to fix it with things that don’t work. ​ ​
Here’s what most people do that doesn’t work and keeps them stuck for years.​
➡️ ​ Trying to solve your problems when you’re both triggered. ​ You DON’T have conversations about the important things unless you’re in a heated argument about it. ​ ​
∙At that point both of you are triggered and trying to solve the problems from your emotional brain. ​ ​
∙Think about it. How productive is it when you’re both triggered and all you want to do is win the argument?​
There’s lots of blame, judgment and defensiveness. ​ ​
∙Eventually things calm down. ​ But you don’t revisit the conversation because you figure it won’t go well anyway and you’ll probably end up in another argument. ​ ​
➡️ ​ Trying to fix your partner. ​ Focusing on his faults and flaws. ​ You know them so well. ​ If he would just, why can’t he, he always, he never, he’s so _______fill in the blank. ​
∙When you focus on changing your partner you feel frustrated and disappointed. You keep trying to change him, get him to be a version of himself that would be acceptable to you. ​ ​
∙First of all, No one feels motivated to make change when they feel criticized and judged and ​ when you’re focused on him, what you can’t control and don’t focus on yourself, the things you can control you stay stuck. ​
➡️ ​ You’re trying to make change from will power alone. ​ You make agreements to do things differently either with yourself or with your partner with the same thoughts that got you to where you are. ​ ​
∙Your brain has been practiced in thinking negative thoughts and beliefs about your partner and your marriage for a very long time that make it impossible to see anything different than what you have right now. ​ ​ ​
∙Meaning if you are repeatedly think that your partner will never change, he’s so selfish, he doesn’t care about me, if he loved me he would _________. ​ I’ve been trying for years and he does nothing, you will see everything through that lens of negativity and you will filter out anything positive that doesn’t confirm that story. ​ ​
And you most likely aren’t even aware that these thoughts are running the show. ​ ​
It makes sense that if you’re doing the same things over and over and nothing changes, ​ eventually you do begin to think it’s not fixable. ​ ​ ​
The truth is most of us were never taught or learned how to do relationships well. ​ There’s no manual that tells us what to do when things get hard. ​ ​ We end up fumbling, struggling, stumbling and failing. ​ ​
Being in this place it can be painful, frustrating it takes a huge toll on your relationship and quite honestly your whole life. ​ ​
When your marriage isn’t going well it affects all areas of your life….your mood your outlook on life, the way you show up with your kids, at your job ​
⭐️ The good news is there is another way. ​ It is possible to change all of this, you don’t have to do it on your own.​  And that’s exactly the work I do with my clients. ​
You can transform from years of pain and suffering in your marriage to feeling more peace, calm and connection than you ever thought possible. ​ ​
What does work is… ​
  •  ​Learning how to identify your triggers and manage your emotional reactions so you can talk with your partner in a respectful, calm and loving way. ​ Instead of repeating the same reactive cycle over and over ​ ​
  • Making lasting change in your relationship will require you looking at your contribution to the way things are instead of trying to change your partner. ​ ​
  •  You have to shift your focus from your partner to yourself. ​ It may be uncomfortable right now because you’ve been in the habit of blaming your partner. ​
  • As you look more deeply at yourself and learn to identify your own thoughts and feelings, this will empower you to create exactly what you want. ​ It will take consistent effort, motivation, openness and a willingness to try new things and see things differently​
  • ​ And rather than trying to make change from willpower alone, I help clients learn how to get to the root cause of their problems so they create lasting change that literally impacts their entire life. ​ ​
  • This involves gaining a deeper awareness of your mindset. Looking closely at identifying the thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself and your marriage that prevent you from seeing different possibilities for your future. ​ ​
  • You’ll retrain your brain to identify and practice new thoughts & beliefs that support the relationship you desire. ​ ​
When you stop trying to do it on your own and have a clear path forward you will see that what you thought was impossible is completely possible. ​ ​
With the process I take my clients through they are able to move out of this stuck place rather quickly. ​ Especially when you compare it the the many years or decades they have been stuck. ​
Some clients have been able to achieve results in as little as 4 sessions. ​ ​
When you learn what works and practice new patterns that support the marriage you want, change happens fast. ​ ​
There’s absolutely no reason you can’t fix your marriage, ​ if that’s what you truly want. ​ ​
Let me help you do that. ​ ​
If you want to learn how to change your marriage once and for all, send me a message so you can started today.
or book a 30 minute consult here….

Stop Struggling In Your Marriage

WANT TO KNOW EXACTLY WHY YOU KEEP STRUGGLING IN YOUR MARRIAGE❓❓
You think It’s because you can’t communicate. ​
But the reason you can’t communicate is because you’re focused on the wrong things. ​ ​
⭐️ ⭐️ You’re focused on changing your partner. ​ You think HE needs to change for YOU to be happy. ​
The truth is you can’t change or control anyone but yourself. ​ Shift your focus to thinking about what you CAN control and what you CAN change. ​ ​
When you learn how to be happy without needing your husband to change anything then your marriage will be better than you ever imagined it could be. ​
⭐️ ⭐️ You’re focused on everything that’s wrong in your marriage but spend very little time thinking about how you can make it better. ​ Which just keeps you spinning in thoughts about how awful it is. ​ ​ ​
Instead think about how you want it to be different. ​ If you want to have better communication with your husband, what does that mean, specifically? ​ ​
Shift your focus to thinking about solutions. How can I make this better instead of complaining about how bad it is. ​ What can YOU do to make a difference in the way you communicate. ​ ​
Do you need to be less blaming and critical, can you request instead of making demands. ​ ​
Many times we don’t have an accurate picture of ourselves so we might not see that we are being all these things, which makes it hard for our husband to respond the way we would like him to. ​ ​
⭐️ ⭐️ You’re focused on solving the details of your problems. ​ I tell clients they are debating facts instead of working on learning how to talk to each other differently. ​ ​
You know those conversations, when you go in circles about what actually happened. ​ ​
“Yes you did, I remember when I walked in the door you didn’t say hi and you just kept doing what you were doing”. “No that’s not true, I did say hi but I was in the middle of something, did you expect me to drop everything and just run over to you” “well if you could have at least said hello, I didn’t ask you to come running over to me I only asked that you say hi and you couldn’t’ even do that?”. ​
You keep at this conversation restating your position over and over. ​ You can’t resolve this. ​ You each remember it differently no matter how many times you repeat yourself. ​ ​ This will get you nowhere fast. ​ ​
Change your focus to expressing what you were thinking and feeling instead. ​ ​ When I walked in the door and you didn’t say hi I felt hurt or unimportant. ​ ​
Or I would really like it if we greeted each other with a warm hug when I come home at night. ​
This approach leads to more constructive conversations rather than just arguing about the specifics. ​ ​
➡️When you learn how to make these shifts in yourself you will begin to see significant changes in you marriage and life.🙌🏼
🔹 You will begin to feel more in charge of creating the relationship you truly desire instead of waiting for your partner to do it for you. ​ ​
🔹 You’ll feel more empowered, confident and in charge of your life. ​ ​
🔹 You’ll resolve your disagreements with more ease and without feeling like you’re chasing your tail in circles. ​ ​
🔹 You’ll feel more connected to your partner. Instead of seeing him as the opponent you’ll be working as a team. ​ ​
This is the kind of change that transforms marriages and this is exactly what I do with women and couples in my 4 month coaching program. ​
If you’re ready for change and ready to do what you can to change yourself because that’s the only thing you can change, then reach out to me in a pm and we’ll see if my four month program is right for you. ​
In my experience when someone is committed to doing this work, their marriage and really their whole life can change quite quickly.  Send me a message and we’ll chat today.  Denise@mymarriageworks.com

Who’s Right…Who’s Wrong…Who Cares?

​Do you think to yourself, If my partner would just see things my way (the right way) then you wouldn’t keep having the same stupid arguments?​
If I asked you what you were fighting about would you even remember? ​ ​
Probably not. ​😆
You’re so committed to being right and feeling wronged by your partner that you easily lose sight of the actual issue.​
In the end, the biggest loser is your marriage. And you lose out on the love and connection you truly want with your partner. ​
What’s the solution to ending these patterns for good?​
YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP THE NEED TO BE RIGHT​
There are always different ways of looking at the same thing. ​ ​
This does not mean that one way is right and one is wrong. ​ It’s just different. ✨
It’s entirely possible for you to be in the same situation together yet have a totally different perspective
or remember things in a completely different way. ​ ​ ​
It’s not that your partner is lying when you have different stories about the same situation.​
What if you’re both right?😳
If you believed this, how would that change your relationship? ​ ​ ​
When you can learn to acknowledge your partner’s perspective even when you don’t agree
this can dramatically change your relationship. ​ ​
You can say something like, “I see what you’re saying”, “why is that important to you?”, “I can understand how you would feel that way”. ​
➣When you stop fighting to be right you can completely change the way you and your partner talk to each other, which ultimately will change the quality of your marriage. ​ ​
➣From being filled with tension, stress, resentment, and walking on eggshells to not upset your partner… to feeling at ease, working as a team, understanding and accepting each other with an open mind and heart.​
➢Disagreements can be just disagreements without it escalating into a big argument and you can still feel close and loving even when you don’t agree.​
When you find yourself caught up in trying to convince your partner or prove to him that your way is the right way, stop! ​ ​
✅ ​ Remind yourself that your partner is on the same team as you.​
​ ​
✅ ​ Ask yourself, how is it possible that we’re both right? ​ ​
✅ ​ Learn to accept that you see things differently. ​ ​
Be curious about their thoughts and feelings instead of just pushing your own agenda. ​ ​
✅ ​ Acknowledge your partner’s point of view without judgment.​
And remember, acknowledgement does NOT equal agreement.​
When you stop believing there is a right way and a wrong way you won’t feel like you have to fight your partner on everything. ​ ​
You make space for a difference of opinion. ​ ​
Yours and theirs. ​ 💑
Accepting your differences with love and respect is challenging. ​ But it is one of the key ingredients for having a successful, connected marriage. ​ ​
If the need to be right is ruining your relationship, ​you’re struggling with the same fights over and over ​
and want to put an end to this for good, ​so you can be happy in your marriage again, I can help. ​
Send me a message today and we’ll see if my coaching is right for you.
For more tips on how to have a marriage you love join my group!

Disagreements got you down?

Couples mistakenly believe they have to agree on things to resolve their issues, improve communication and make their relationship work. ​ ​
The same, I-feel-like-I’m-going-crazy kind of arguments come up over and over again. ​🥴
You start to wonder if you’re just too different to make it work. ​
It’s exhausting and life sucking to have these kinds of interactions with your partner day in and day out. ​ ​
It’s not surprising that these repeated conflicts would make you question your marriage. ​ ​💔
One couple I worked with repeatedly argued about how to discipline their kids. ​ ​
He was strict and she was more lenient. ​ ​
They always disagreed about how to set limits, give consequences. ​
Which led to them arguing about the kids in front of the kids. ​
When he was interacting with the kids she was trying to tell him how he should do it and vice versa. ​
Most couples are trying to push their perspective on the other, so of course they keep fighting. ​
Thinking their partner’s way is wrong and their way is right. ​ ​
The fact is you will always have disagreements regardless of who your partner is. ​ ​
The goal is not to make your differences go away but rather to make them work for your relationship. ​💗
To change the way you’ve been doing things you need to learn how to listen to your partner’s perspective instead of trying to convince them that your perspective is right or better. ​
This very important shift in thinking can change everything. ​ ​
Instead of right or wrong, good or bad, better or worse, your perspectives are just different. ​ ​💫
And instead of fighting for your perspective to be heard and acknowledged you have to learn to hear and acknowledge your partner’s perspective. ​
When you learn how to truly listen to the other person and work to understand their perspective and what’s important to them you will have better conversations EVEN when you disagree. ​ ​
While it sounds simple it is not easy and takes work and effort to change this way of relating to your partner. ​ ​
This means learning to really hear your partner’s perspective, being curious, asking why it’s important to them and what they’re thinking. ​ ​ And stop trying to convince your partner that they need to do it your way. ​
The challenge most people have is learning to listen without reacting in anger, interrupting, defending, blaming or judging. ​ ​
Listening sounds so simple but takes a shift in your thinking. ​
From thinking your partner is wrong to being curious about your partner’s thoughts and ideas. ​ ​
This simple BUT not easy skill of listening and understanding your partner’s perspective could mean the difference between a happily ever after or a miserable marriage or painful divorce. ​
Your marriage could be better than you ever imagined when you learn to make these shifts in your relationship. ​💑
So if you’re a woman or couple who’s been married for years and you’re struggling in your marriage with the same communication problems, arguing about the same issues over and over my guess is you haven’t learned how to truly listen to each other and be curious about the other person’s perspective. ​ ​
If you want help solving these communication problems for good so you can stop just surviving in your marriage and start thriving, that’s exactly what I help women and couples do in my 1:1 marriage coaching. ​ ​💕💕
▶️We identify and understand the patterns of communication that are keeping you stuck. ​
▶️We focus on your mindset. ​ The thoughts and beliefs that are keeping you stuck (we have to agree) that prevent you from seeing new possibilities for your future (we don’t have to agree to make it work).​
▶️You’ll learn to be curious about your partner’s perspective instead of fighting against it. ​ ​❓❓❓
▶️You’ll end up creating an entirely different narrative about your marriage and opening up to having a marriage that’s even better than you dreamed. ​
If you’re ready to improve communication so you can stop having the same fight over and over and enjoy being married again then send me a private message and we’ll have a quick chat to see if it’s a fit for you.
OR schedule a call here: Chat With Denise

How is COVID impacting your marriage?

You’re spending more time with your husband than you ever imagined you would (whether you like it or not).

All of this unusual togetherness has put an enormous stress on a lot of marriages. ​ ​ ​

The issues you had before covid have now become magnified. ​

You used to be able to escape to work or go out with friends.​

But now there’s little to none of that. ​ ​

Which has created a whole new set of issues for marriages and families. ​

Many couples disagree about how cautious they should be about going places and being around other people. ​

Should they allow their children to hang out with their friends and how does that affect being around extended family. ​ ​

With so many working from home there has been less separation between work life and home life with work life taking up even more hours than ever. ​ ​

You’re spending more time together, yet feel less connected than ever!

Some days the tension feels unbearable, the close quarters lack of escape the growing distance between you. ​ But you just don’t know what to do. ​ You know there’s a problem but neither of you are talking about it. ​

➡️ You’ve thought about reaching out for help but then convince yourself it’s not that bad. ​ ​
➡️ You vent and complain with your friends who are having the same experience but then only ​feel more resentful towards your spouse. ​ ​
➡️ You try to convince yourself it will get better when covid is over (when is that going to happen?)​

The truth is covid is not going away any time soon. ​ ​
And neither are the struggles in your marriage. ​ ​

And it doesn’t have to be this way. ​

You can have a marriage you love and enjoy your time together even during covid. ​ ​

What you need is to rebuild your connection to each other in spite of the stressful unpredictable circumstances of life. ​ ​

Your marriage can’t wait until covid is over. ​

And avoidance only creates more distance. ​

Don’t let the distance between you grow beyond repair. ​ ​ ​
Make your marriage a priority. ​ Give your marriage the effort, care, love and attention it needs. ​ ​
The same love and attention you give to your job or your kids.  Your marriage needs it now more than ever. ​ ​

This is the exact thing I help my clients with in my Four Months to Fix your Marriage for Good Method.

This offer is for women or couples who’ve been married for years. ​ You’re struggling to be happy and connected with your partner. ​ And although you absolutely don’t want to get a divorce you’re done living with the way things are now. ​ ​
You’re committed to making your marriage work and you want someone to show you how. ​ ​

With I’ll show you the exact steps you can take to bring a loving connection back to your relationship and enjoy being married again. ​

Here’s how we do it. ​

 ​ First we dive deep into identifying and understanding the patterns in your marriage that are causing you so much pain. ​ These patterns were there before covid but have become more painful since spending so much time together. ​ Knowing what these patterns are is key to being able to change them and create new ways of being with each other that brings closeness instead of loneliness. ​

​ Next we look at what you really want your marriage to look like. ​ ​When the problems are no longer a problem how will your marriage be different? ​ Instead of staying stuck in the problem and complaining about the way things are, I show you how to think about the future you want to have together. ​You have to have a vision for what you want to create so you know what you are working towards. ​ Without a goal you can’t know if you’re making progress. ​

 ​ Then we focus on gaining a deeper awareness of your mindset. ​ ​Our thoughts are what create our reality. ​ If you want a different reality you have to work on having thoughts that align with that reality. ​ ​
First by bringing awareness to your thoughts and then working on replacing them with ones that create a new and more connected experience. ​ ​

​ One of the most critical skills you’ll learn is how to talk about your differences in a loving respectful way even when you don’t agree. ​ ​You may be avoiding uncomfortable conversations right now because it just feels easier. ​ Unfortunately that only creates more disconnection. ​I help you have these conversations, share your thoughts and feelings with each other in an open honest way so you can create the intimacy and connection you crave. ​ ​

This is the work my clients dive deep into when we work together in my Four Months to Fix your Marriage for Good Method

If you’re ready to end painful patterns in your relationship so you can be more connected with your husband and enjoy being married to him again then send me a private message and we’ll have a quick chat to see if it’s a fit for you.

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My Marriage Works – community for women

It happened again!

He came home from work in a mood and then went straight to his computer. 

Seriously, how many times do we have to have the same conversation for him to get it.

Couldn’t he at least say, “how was your day honey”.

You’re tired of feeling like an afterthought, like you don’t even matter.

You’re angry but it’s not worth bringing up AGAIN, so instead you go quiet, give him the cold shoulder, secretly hoping he’ll notice and ask you what’s wrong.

But of course, he didn’t even notice. Now you’re even more upset. 

The answer seems so obvious. If he would just change you wouldn’t be so angry and upset all the time.

Having the same issues come up over and over again and nothing changes is so frustrating.

I Get It!

Having the same issues come up over and over again and nothing changes is so frustrating. ​ ​

You think, It shouldn’t be this hard.

I know! I’ve said that countless times when I was going through these exact struggles in my own marriage.

And here’s what I discovered that turned my marriage in a whole new direction.  

The problem you’re having is NOT what your husband is doing or not doing. 

It’s the thoughts you’re having about it!  

Just take that in for a moment. I know it probably isn’t the answer you were expecting.

Even though it feels like your husband is the one that’s making you feel frustrated and upset the reality is, it’s how you’re choosing to think about it.

You have expectations that he SHOULD be more talkative or more affectionate or less grumpy. When he’s not, you think, “he can’t even do one simple thing for me”. That thought is what causes you to feel angry and frustrated. 

Let me give you another example. Here’s a thought exercise I do with my clients. I ask them to imagine their husband coming home and sitting on the couch. And try on two different ways of thinking about it.

➨One thought is, “guess he doesn’t give a shit about my day”.
➨he second thought is, “he probably needs some time to decompress. I remember he’s said that before, that he likes 30 minutes to just unwind before having conversation”.

How did each of those thoughts make you feel?

I bet the first one made you feel angry, unimportant.
And the second one, understanding, compassion, love.

That’s the power of choosing your thoughts. Which is one of the core things I help my clients with.

With my  I teach my clients the exact strategies and tools they need to eliminate painful patterns in their relationship and connect to their husband with love.

First we dive into identifying and understanding the patterns in your marriage that are causing you so much pain.
Then we identify your key triggers. When you are aware of the things that trigger you, you can work on being less reactive so you can talk about things without arguing.
And then we focus on your mindset. The thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself, your husband and your marriage that are keeping you stuck and prevent you from seeing new possibilities for your future.

Just like you saw above when you change your thoughts it makes you feel completely different. Which ultimately changes the results you have.

Instead of taking things personally you’ll be able to stay in your own lane and not be affected by your husband’s mood.
You’ll be curious and compassionate about his behavior instead of furious. What does his quiet grumpy mood mean if it’s not about you.


❤️By choosing different thoughts you can have a different experience of your husband.

❤️You’ll feel more hopeful about your marriage and your life.

❤️Get out of negative thought patterns that you’ve been stuck in about your husband that have been holding you back from being happy in your marriage.

❤️You’ll end up creating an entirely different narrative about your marriage and opening up to having a marriage that’s even better than you dreamed.

This is the work my clients dive deep into when we work together in my  

If you’re ready to stop having the same fight over and over again with your husband and enjoy being married to him again, then send me a private message and we’ll have a quick chat to see if it’s a fit for you.

Join my facebook group – My Marriage Works community for women

Wondering how to make your marriage work?

Wondering how you’ll ever make your marriage work when you can’t have a simple conversation without it turning into another big fight? 

⭐️What you really want is….

  • To be able to talk with your husband without fighting
  • To Feeling in love with your him again, having conversations that flow easily and naturally. 
  • Working through your disagreements in an honest, supportive and respectful way, and feel close to each other rather than drifting apart.
  • Your partner being your best friend, biggest cheerleader and confidant – someone you can talk to about everything. 
  • ​Being able to move on from the past and all the hurt it caused you over the year (no unresolved feelings or grudges).
  • ​Feeling happy in your marriage, excited about the life you’ve built together and the future that awaits you.

It’s true marriage is hard.  There is no roadmap or manual that tells you how to make a lifelong commitment to another human.  And do it well! 🤦🏻‍♀️ 

When you first got married you never imagined there’d be anything but love between you….and now years later..😧

  • It feels like every time you try to talk (it’s probably not EVERY time), suddenly a seemingly small thing turns into a huge issue and ends up in another big argument. Nothing ever gets resolved.
  • The connection you once shared seems to have vanished and you feel more like roommates than lovers & best friends (Maybe this is what marriage looks like after 10, 15, 20 years?).
  • You’re great parents and absolutely love your kids, but you’re worried what will happen when your kids go off to college.  You fear there’s nothing that will keep you together. 
  • You feel lonely even when you’re with your him.  You wish you felt the emotional connection you once had

Over time these ways of interacting with each other slowing chips away and the emotional connection and love you have for your partner. 💔

Some days it feels so painful and unbearable that you can’t imagine it ever getting better.  You contemplate divorce even though it’s not what you want.  😔

What’s the answer?

◆It’s not changing your him. 

◆It’s not waiting and hoping it gets better on it’s own

◆It’s not going to years of therapy, rehashing the same old fights

The answer is YOU learning how to communicate in a whole new way.  

It’s about learning how to manage your own emotional triggers and reactions so you can put an end to the painful patterns in your marriage for good. 

That’s exactly what I do with my clients in the Four Months to Fix your Marriage for Good Method. 💕

 I teach my clients the exact strategies and tools they need to eliminate painful conflict and reconnect with their husband. 

➡︎When we first start working together we dive deep into identifying and understanding the patterns in your marriage that are causing you so much pain.  The patterns are the way you talk to and interact with each other.  What happens when you’re triggered, how do you handle disagreements?  Knowing exactly what happens in these patterns is important so you can change them.  

➡︎Then we look at what you really want your marriage to look like.  When the problems are no longer a problem how will your marriage be different?  What will you be doing differently, thinking, feeling?  You have to have a future vision of your marriage so you know what you are working towards.  This may be something you haven’t thought about before.  

That’s not uncommon.  Many clients are stuck in the problem when we first start working together and have not given much thought to what they want.  You may not have even let yourself go there because it didn’t seem possible.  

➡︎Next we focus on gaining a deeper awareness of your mindset.  The thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself, your husband and your marriage that are keeping you stuck and prevent you from seeing new possibilities for your future.  

Our thoughts are powerful.  Whatever thoughts we think over and over again is what becomes our reality.  To change your experience you have to change your thoughts.  Much of the work we do is identifying the thoughts that are holding you back and replacing them with thoughts that help you create the relationship you want!

One of the most critical skills you’ll learn is how to manage your emotional reactions and identify what your triggers are.  When you’re able to be aware of and control your automatic, knee jerk reactions you’ll be able to have calm conversations about any topic.  

With this method of working together you’re able to create change that lasts!   Change that becomes your new normal! 

That’s why we meet weekly so you have the accountability you need to take action and the support that’s necessary to guide you towards your goal.  Creating new habits takes time and practice so of course there will be times that you slip back into your old habits. That’s not a problem.  

Because along the way you are keeping track of exactly what you are doing that is creating positive change. That way you know exactly what to do to get things back on track.  

If you’re ready to stop having the same fights over and over again with your husband and want to enjoy being married to him then reach out and I’ll send you the details if my Four Months to Fix your Marriage for Good Method 💕  

Join the My Marriage Works – Community for Women







We’re Just So Different

This is something I hear from almost every woman or couple I work with. ​ They think “we’re just so different” is the reason they argue about so many things. ​ And wonder “how do we make this work when we can’t agree on anything”. ​ ​

Frequent arguments about the same things play out day after day, month after month, year after year. ​ You begin to wonder if you married the right person. ​

Earlier in my own marriage this is exactly how things played out. ​

My husband and I are different is so many ways.​
He’s more private and I’m more open, he’s quiet, I’m loud and outgoing. ​ Those are the obvious differences. ​ ​

Then there’s the differences that you discover as situations arise in your day to day life. ​

For example, I’d be frustrated and annoyed when we had poor service at a restaurant. ​ I’d complain about it and then ask my husband, what do you think? ​ Aren’t you pissed that the service was so awful? ​

He was not bothered by it, didn’t notice or didn’t really care. ​

What? ​ What do you mean you’re not bothered by it? ​ How can you not be bothered by it? ​ We get bad service and you’re not even upset about it. ​ And on and on. ​ ​

Do you ever get mad at your partner because they don’t share the same emotion about something? ​ ​

When I was outraged about something I expected him to be outraged, when I was happy about something I expected him to be happy, when I was worried about something I expected him to be worried. ​ When he wasn’t, I thought it was crazy that he didn’t feel the same way I did. ​ ​ ​

Here’s what I learned that has changed my marriage. ​

It’s not your differences that are the problem, it’s the judgment you have about your partner’s perspective being different than yours.​

You believe there’s a right way and a wrong way and your partner’s way is wrong. ​ ​

What are those arguments REALLY about? ​ Your attempts to convince, correct or control your partner. You want them to see things the way you do and you judge them when they don’t.​

When you continue to judge and criticize your partner for who they are and what they think and believe you won’t actually know who they are. ​ ​

You’ll be too busy telling them how wrong they are to even know or understand what they think and believe. ​

Judgment can be quite damaging to a relationship. When you’re in judgment, thinking negative thoughts and having negative emotions about your partner, it’s impossible to feel loving towards them. ​ It creates resentment and lack of connection. ​ ​ ​

The truth is you will have differences in any relationship. ​ They will be a different set of differences in another relationship but you’ll still have to figure out how to deal with them. ​ ​

Letting go of judgment and accepting people for who they are may not be easy but is critical for the success of any relationship you have. Whether with your partner, your children, parents, co workers, etc. ​ ​

And yourself! ​ Because judging others doesn’t feel good to the person judging either. ​ ​

Remember the example from above I shared about getting angry with my husband for not sharing the same emotion? ​ ​

I was judging him and feeling triggered and frustrated, which led to a night of not talking to him. That certainly didn’t feel good for me. ​ ​

Want a more loving relationship with your partner? ​ ​

Learn to accept your differences. ​ Accept that differences are a part of all relationships. ​ You don’t have to make your differences go away. ​ You just have to learn a better way of dealing with them. ​ ​

When you can let go of judgment and let your partner be who they are you can feel more loving because you are no longer trying to control another person. ​ ​

So how did I change this? ​ How can you change this?​

First recognize that you are judging. ​ Question your own beliefs. ​ ​
Beliefs that your partner “should” see things the same way you do. ​ ​
Or that there’s a right way and a wrong way. ​ ​

That’s what I did. ​ ​

Whenever I was triggered by something my husband said or did that I didn’t agree with, I asked myself “why am I getting angry right now”? ​ I reminded myself, he can think and feel any way he wants. ​ ​

The more I was able to do that the less I reacted in anger and judgment. ​ We stopped having arguments about right and wrong. ​

I started to actually listen to my husband’s thoughts instead of criticizing them. ​ I made a genuine effort to understand his perspective by being curious and asking questions. ​ ​

We stopped arguing over poor service at a restaurant. ​ ​
If I was annoyed or frustrated I would still share that with my husband but with no expectation that he should feel the same way. ​ ​

This was a relief for both of us. ​ And relieved so much tension in our marriage. ​ I felt more loving and accepting when I let go of judgment and stopped trying to change him. ​ ​

If your differences are taking a toll on your relationship and you want to figure out how to let go of judgment and reconnect with love so you can be happy in your marriage, send me a private message.

It’s not that you can’t communicate…..

 

It’s that you don’t know how to stop being defensive.

After yet another big argument, that same argument that you have over and over again. It’s so familiar you could write the script.

AND there’s never any resolution. Sometimes you don’t even remember what it was you were fighting about in the first place.

You want desperately to stop having these arguments. They’re ruining your marriage. It seems no matter what you do nothing changes. You wonder why can’t we figure this out, it shouldn’t be this hard.

One of the biggest reasons you keep having the same arguments is you’re stuck in a pattern of being defensive and blaming.

What exactly do I mean by that.

When you’re triggered by something your partner says or does, you have an immediate defensive reaction to that. That might sound something like, “that’s not true”, and then blame, “well you do that to”, “if you didn’t say what you said then I wouldn’t be angry”.

Defensiveness and blame keep you spinning in circles endlessly, never coming to resolution or being able to solve your problems.

If you continue down this path without changing this dynamic you will keep having the same fights that are destroying your relationship.

What’s possible if you learn to stop being defensive?
For one, you can stop having these painful arguments that are threatening your marriage.

You can listen to your partner without over reacting, you would be able to actually figure out the issues that are important to you instead of fighting about who’s right and who’s wrong.

When defensiveness no longer has a place in your relationship you can listen to a differing opinion from your partner or anyone for that matter, and you can be calm, you can listen without making assumptions about what it means. Without taking it personally.

Imagine being able to hear things that you don’t agree with and not feel defensive, not take it personally?

You can completely change the way you and your partner talk to each other when you stop being defensive.

Disagreements can be just disagreements without it escalating into a big fight. You can still feel close and loving even when you disagree.

If you’re worried about where your marriage is headed if things continue this way, that’s one of the main things I help women (and couples) master in my 4 month coaching intensive.

The core focus is on managing your reactions (defensiveness) when you disagree or get triggered by your partner. You will focus on changing the things that are within your control and that is how you respond to your partner.

The first step is being more aware of your reactions. When you feel triggered by something your partner says or does or doesn’t do, what is your reaction?

Think for a moment, you’re driving in the car together and neither of you are talking. It’s quiet. You notice yourself starting to feel aggravated that your partner isn’t saying anything, he’s not talking at all, you’re starting to have a lot of negative thoughts.

Maybe you start to think he doesn’t care, or that your relationship must be bad because you have nothing to talk about. Instead, in that moment you learn to stop and think about why you are feeling aggravated?

What are you making it mean that there is no talking? When you are more aware of your own internal thoughts you can choose a different response.

The work of changing these patterns takes time and practice. Practice slowing down in moments when you are triggered and resisting the urge or impulse to react in the same way you always do. Which is defensive.

You can begin to not take things so personally by noticing what you are thinking and feeling and what you are making your partner’s words mean about you. What if what your partner is saying/ doing had nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

This is the mindset work that is part of changing this pattern.

When you are able to manage your reactions and be fully in charge of how you respond, this is life changing. This is the kind of change that transforms marriages and this is exactly what I do with women in my 3 month intensive.

So if you’re interested in that, you’re ready for change and you are ready to do what you can to change yourself, because that’s the only thing you can change, then reach out to me in a private message and we’ll see if my four month coaching intensive is right for you.

In my experience when someone is committed to doing this work, their marriage and really their whole life can change very quickly.

Send me that pm and we will chat today.  Or click here to learn more about Marriage Coaching!