Tired of Walking Around on Eggshells in Your Marriage?

Tired of Walking Around on Eggshells in Your Marriage?

You’re careful about what you say so you don’t upset your partner and cause an argument.

You pain over how to bring up an issue because you’re worried about how he’ll react.

Censoring what you say and how you say it is so natural you don’t even realize you’re doing it most of the time.

These patterns of relating and communicating are common in many couple relationships and are the reason so many couples feel resentful and disconnected from each other.

These patterns go on for years, sometimes decades and even though they likely don’t make your relationship any better you can’t imagine how to do it differently.

Some people avoid conflict at all cost and live pleasantly with no real depth to their relationship.

Some argue frequently and then just move on after a few days without ever addressing the issue, until the argument comes up again.

Each relationship develops different patterns.

The common denominator is these patterns are painful and compromise the quality of your life and marriage.

The good news is you can change these patterns no matter how long you’ve been at it.

Just like my client who was in this exact place when we started working together.

She had always described herself as a confident, direct, say it how it is kind of person.

That is in all places except her marriage.

When conversations became tense her husband would raise his voice, get defensive or angry. She would get defensive and angry back and then they wouldn’t talk for days.

He would go radio silent and she didn’t know what to say or do to make things better but she knew she hated the silence between them.

It was painful to live this way. Not knowing when he would be ready to talk again.

Because of this, she decided it was better to not bring up things that might cause this to happen again.

That’s when she decided it was better to keep her concerns to herself. She stopped sharing her thoughts, feelings, desires, concerns openly and honestly.

She started internalizing everything instead of bringing it up with her husband because she couldn’t bare the stonewalling.

Not being true to herself, not speaking up or being honest had it’s own set of repercussions.

The more she censored herself, walked on eggshells, didn’t voice her concerns, She noticed she started to feel anxious and depressed.

She even started to consider that their marriage just wouldn’t work and that without him changing she couldn’t see how this could possibly work.

All of that changed over the months that we worked together.

First I helped her see that her avoidance was causing much more harm to their relationship and to her.

In the moment she might avoid an argument but the long term consequences of that was compromising her mental health and she started to feel more hopeless about their marriage and considered they may have to separate.

With weekly coaching sessions she learned to think about conflict differently. Viewing it as an opportunity for each of them to grow as people and as a couple rather than something to be avoided.

She stopped feeling responsible for her husband’s reactions and focused on controlling her own emotions and reactions.

She went from thinking she had to adjust her behavior so he didn’t get upset to realizing It’s ok for him to have his reactions, to be upset or angry and she only has to work on how she responds to him.

This freed up so much mental energy for her to focus on how to communicate more effectively with him.

She learned how to bring up concerns in a confident, assertive way even if her husband disagreed or didn’t like what she was saying.

She learned to set boundaries when she felt like the conversation was heading down a bad path.

She started to be more herself again. Speaking up for herself confidently and directly.
Telling her husband what she wanted instead of complaining of what wasn’t happening.
And guess what…..her husband responded much better than she ever imagined.

He was responding to the changes she was making. He had a better understanding of what her concerns were and what she wanted because of the more direct, non blaming way she was communicating.

It was easier for him to receive her message when it was delivered in this way.

This is true of all relationships.

The more she showed up in her power and communicated assertively, when she talked about what she wanted instead of talking about him, speaking without blame, criticism or judgment, things started to shift in their relationship.

Depression and anxiety lifted and she began to have hope about their marriage again.

As a couple they started to work more as a team. Supporting each other through difficulties instead of working against each other.

She feels so much better about herself and her marriage and feels equipped to deal with things that come their way.

She is more accepting of her husband and his differences rather than making them mean that they don’t belong together.

This is what can happen when you learn the skills and tools that it takes to have a successful, supportive loving partnership.

Do You Consider Yourself a Good Listener?

Do You Consider Yourself a Good Listener?

What about when it comes to your marriage?

Do you listen to your partner like you would a good friend? Or is it more like you’re kinda listening but really thinking about how wrong they are and what you’re planning to say as a rebuttal?

Listening sounds so simple. Yet, when you’re out of practice it can feel really hard to do.

The truth is most of us could probably work on our listening skills especially when it comes to our significant relationships.

In long term marriage it is very common for partners to become focused on being heard by the other but are often not so good at listening to each other.

So don’t feel bad if this is you. Like other skills, you can get better at this through practice.

So, Think for a moment.

What happens when your partner says something you don’t like or DON’T agree with?​

Do you pause, get curious and ASK QUESTIONS about why he thinks that?​

Or, do you GET DEFENSIVE and tell him he’s wrong, and that’s a stupid idea and we’re not doing it that way!?​

Do you judge, criticize and offer your unsolicited solution… “you should….”

I used to do that too. Not just with my husband but with my kids as well.

The outcome was always the same. Neither of us felt heard. We were both angry and annoyed with each other and could never seem to have a productive conversation.

The good news is
You don’t have to solve ALL of your problems to communicate better.

You don’t need to rehash every argument from the past

But you do have to become a better listener.

No I mean like really listening.

That means being curious, asking questions to learn more about your partner, staying calm and accepting even when you don’t agree.

These are skills that will benefit you in any relationship.

When I learned to listen and be curious instead of critical and judgmental I learned things about my husband I didn’t know. Because my curiosity invited conversation.

And conversation invites connection.

The same is true with my kids, who are now 18 and 20. Instead of telling them what they should do, I ask them to tell me what they think.

When you get quiet and listen, they talk.

These are the exact skills I help my clients practice and strengthen, and they end up being able to communicate in ways that bring closeness and connection instead of distance and disconnect in their marriage.

Maybe reading this has confirmed that you are already aware of what you’re doing, but you don’t know how to change your DEFAULT RESPONSE. And you’re certainly not alone if this is the case.

That’s exactly what I help women and couples with in my 1:1 private coaching.

Working with me will help you STOP reacting with blame, defensiveness and anger, listen with curiosity, let go of past resentments, and enjoy being married again. ​

With my supportive instruction, accountability, and feedback you will receive, YOU can learn to COMMUNICATE better and RECONNECT to your partner and listen to each other like good friends.

Schedule a call with me and we can set up a time to chat and determine whether working with me is right for you.
This is a free 30 minute ‘get to know you’ call.

You can tell me what’s currently going on in your marriage, how you want it to be different and I’ll share with you how I can help you.

We’re Just So Different

I hear this from every woman or couple I work with. ​ ​

They think “we’re just so different” is the reason their relationship is not working. ​ ​

And wonder “how do we make this work when we can’t agree on anything”. ​ ​

​Earlier in my own marriage this is exactly what I thought.​

My husband and I are so different, did I marry the right person. ​ ​

Let’s be honest. ​ ​

You married your partner in the first place because he was different than you. ​ ​

It wasn’t a problem then and it’s not a problem now. ​ ​

You just stopped accepting and appreciating those differences the way you once did. ​ ​

​The truth is you will have differences in any relationship. ​ ​

They will be a different set of differences in another relationship but you’ll still have to figure out how to deal with them. ​ ​

Letting go of judgment.​ 👈🏻

​Accepting people for who they are.​ 💕​

May not be easy but is critical for the success of any relationship. ​

Whether with your partner, your children, parents, co workers, etc. ​ ​

And yourself! ​ ​

Chances are if you’re judging them you’re also judging you.​

​I used to get so mad at my husband when he didn’t have the same thoughts and feelings I did about something. ​ ​😡​ ​ 😡​

If I got mad, for example…..
At the take out guy who got our order wrong, ​
Or the person in front of us driving really slow, ​
Or the lawn guy who sprayed our lawn when it was raining… ​ ​

I expected my husband to be mad too. ​

But the truth is, he wasn’t bothered by stuff like that.
Still isn’t. ​ ​

And that bothered me. ​

Now, I wasn’t just mad at the lawn guy. ​

I was mad at my husband for not being mad at the lawn guy!​

Sounds silly when I actually write it out. 😜​

I would literally argue with him because I thought he should be mad like I was. ​ ​

Can you relate??​

Here’s what I learned that has changed my marriage. ​

It’s not the differences that are the problem, it’s the judgment, criticism and intolerance that their perspective is different than yours. ​ ​💯

Ask yourself, why is it so important that my partner agree with me on this?​

What do you make it mean when they don’t?​

​It took a lot of practice for me to finally be able to break this pattern. ​ ​

I still see it come up for me from time to time. ​
I can see myself quietly judging him.​

⚡️  But now I’m able to stop myself and recognize what I’m doing before I start trying to change his mind. ​ ​

⚡️  The more I was able to do that the less I reacted in anger and judgment. ​ ​

⚡️  We stopped having so many arguments.​

⚡️  I was less frustrated and annoyed and felt more loving towards my husband. ​ ​

⚡️  I started to actually listen to his thoughts and feelings instead of criticizing them. ​ ​

⚡️  I made a genuine effort to understand his perspective by being curious and asking questions. ​ ​

​This was a relief for both of us. ​✨  ❤️  ✨

And relieved so much tension in our marriage. ​ ​

​I felt more loving and accepting when I let go of judgment and stopped trying to change him. ​ ​

I feel lighter just writing that. ​ ​🤩​

If your differences are taking a toll on your relationship ​

If you’re stuck in a similar pattern as I was and you want to figure out how to let go of judgment and reconnect with love so you can be happy in your marriage, I can help! 💕​

Send me a private message and let’s talk about the dreams you have for you future together.

Wondering How to Convince Your Partner to Go to Marriage Counseling With You?

So the therapist can take your side.​

Tell your husband the same things you’ve been telling him for years.​

And hopefully, finally, he’ll see he’s wrong and HE’LL CHANGE? ​

​If you’re nodding your head in agreement. ​ ​

Like yes of course that’s exactly it.​

❌. I hate to burst your bubble but THAT’S EXACTLY THE REASON you’re struggling in your marriage. ​ ​

The woman that has a LIFE & MARRIAGE SHE LOVES knows her relationship is simply a mirror.​

Reflecting back to her the places within that need healing. ​ ​ ​ ​

She might not know what the solution is but SHE KNOWS it starts with LOOKING INWARD rather than getting caught up in an endless cycle of blame and criticism.​

​She’s NOT looking for the traditional therapist to rehash the argument of the week. ​

She’s been that route. ​ ​

She knows she needs something more than what therapy can offer. ​

She is NOT looking for the quick fix because ​

She knows doing this kind of work is an ongoing process of personal growth and evolution.​

And she’s EXCITED to do this work.​

​She’s been on this path for a while.
​AND wants to break free of the self imposed constraints that have held her back in her life and relationships. ​ ​ ​

She’s NOT shopping for the cheapest option.​

She’s accustom to investing in her personal growth.​

She understands the commitment and focus that comes from investing in herself and her marriage. ​

The woman that TRULY DESIRES to change her life & marriage understands how precious life is and​
Is not interested in wasting any more time. ​

She’s decided SHE’S NOT WILLING to settle for a mediocre marriage or life. ​ ​

She wants to be pushed, be challenged, get out of her comfort zone, try new things, hold herself to a higher standard​.

Because she understands, THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES to continue growing and evolving. ​ ​

There’s no need to convince this woman. ​
She’s all in for herself. ​ ​

IS THIS WOMAN YOU?

It’s not that you can’t communicate…..

It’s that you don’t know how to stop being defensive.

After yet another big argument, that same argument that you have over and over again. It’s so familiar you could write the script.

AND there’s never any resolution. Sometimes you don’t even remember what it was you were fighting about in the first place.

You want desperately to stop having these arguments. They’re ruining your marriage. It seems no matter what you do nothing changes. You wonder why can’t we figure this out, it shouldn’t be this hard.

One of the biggest reasons you keep having the same arguments is you’re stuck in a pattern of being defensive and blaming.

What exactly do I mean by that.

When you’re triggered by something your partner says or does, you have an immediate defensive reaction to that. That might sound something like, “that’s not true”, and then blame, “well you do that to”, “if you didn’t say what you said then I wouldn’t be angry”.

Defensiveness and blame keep you spinning in circles endlessly, never coming to resolution or being able to solve your problems.

If you continue down this path without changing this dynamic you will keep having the same fights that are destroying your relationship.

What’s possible if you learn to stop being defensive?
For one, you can stop having these painful arguments that are threatening your marriage.

You can listen to your partner without over reacting, you would be able to actually figure out the issues that are important to you instead of fighting about who’s right and who’s wrong.

When defensiveness no longer has a place in your relationship you can listen to a differing opinion from your partner or anyone for that matter, and you can be calm, you can listen without making assumptions about what it means. Without taking it personally.

Imagine being able to hear things that you don’t agree with and not feel defensive, not take it personally?

You can completely change the way you and your partner talk to each other when you stop being defensive.

Disagreements can be just disagreements without it escalating into a big fight. You can still feel close and loving even when you disagree.

If you’re worried about where your marriage is headed if things continue this way, that’s one of the main things I help women (and couples) master in my 4 month coaching intensive.

The core focus is on managing your reactions (defensiveness) when you disagree or get triggered by your partner. You will focus on changing the things that are within your control and that is how you respond to your partner.

The first step is being more aware of your reactions. When you feel triggered by something your partner says or does or doesn’t do, what is your reaction?

Think for a moment, you’re driving in the car together and neither of you are talking. It’s quiet. You notice yourself starting to feel aggravated that your partner isn’t saying anything, he’s not talking at all, you’re starting to have a lot of negative thoughts.

Maybe you start to think he doesn’t care, or that your relationship must be bad because you have nothing to talk about. Instead, in that moment you learn to stop and think about why you are feeling aggravated?

What are you making it mean that there is no talking? When you are more aware of your own internal thoughts you can choose a different response.

The work of changing these patterns takes time and practice. Practice slowing down in moments when you are triggered and resisting the urge or impulse to react in the same way you always do. Which is defensive.

You can begin to not take things so personally by noticing what you are thinking and feeling and what you are making your partner’s words mean about you. What if what your partner is saying/ doing had nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

This is the mindset work that is part of changing this pattern.

When you are able to manage your reactions and be fully in charge of how you respond, this is life changing. This is the kind of change that transforms marriages and this is exactly what I do with women in my 3 month intensive.

So if you’re interested in that, you’re ready for change and you are ready to do what you can to change yourself, because that’s the only thing you can change, then reach out to me in a private message and we’ll see if my four month coaching intensive is right for you.

In my experience when someone is committed to doing this work, their marriage and really their whole life can change very quickly.

Send me that pm and we will chat today.  Or click here to learn more about Marriage Coaching!

Why My Marriage Works

I want to let you know about a really exciting change I’ve been working on.  

I’ve changed my business name from Relationship Counseling of Walpole to My Marriage Works, and I’d love to tell you why….

Why did I change the name of my business?

Ten years ago I decided to focus on becoming an expert in working with couples. 

Not only because I’m so passionate about this work but when I looked around to collaborate with other professionals in this area of work I discovered no other helping professionals that were experts in working with couples.  

So I made it my mission to be that expert. 

As part of that mission my work with couples has evolved into a thriving marriage & relationship coaching business. 

I’ve been a licensed counselor for nearly 20 years and I was done diagnosing people and answering to insurance companies.  I decided I’m going to run my business on my terms and serve my clients more powerfully. 

The medical model did not fit with my business vision and the work I want to do to help people create successful marriages and improve their lives.  

I hired a business coach to help me bring my business vision to fruition.  When I invested in myself, and it was a big investment, my life and business changed and grew exponentially. The personal and business growth I’ve experienced have in turn helped my clients achieve greater results faster.  

I am so honored to be a part of helping people save their marriages

Wondering what’s the difference between coaching and therapy?

Here’s my take after doing both. 

  • Therapy is about treating a mental health problem.
  • Clients explore and heal from the past.
  • Therapy generally goes on indefinitely at the client’s discretion. 
  • Provides support and empathy. 
  • Clients aren’t necessarily looking for massive change as much as to relieve pain.
  • Provide a supportive, empathic listening.

What coaching is to me.

  • It is an active goal driven process that challenges people to grow beyond what they thought was possible.  
  • Clients want to grow and are committed to making changes in their lives to get the results they want.
  • Coaching clients are fully capable of changing their relationships and improving their lives without a diagnosis.
  • Clients are fully committed to change and invested in getting results.
  • The focus is on the future vision clients want to create and taking actions to help them get there. 
  • Always focused on the future they want instead of the past they’ve been living in.  

This way of working has been a perfect fit for me and my own future vision.  

Coaching has given me the freedom to work with clients differently.  

To show up as myself more than I ever have in my 20 years of being a therapist. 

I now offer services for my clients in a way that I know works best instead of what the insurance company dictates. 

I work with clients for set periods of time.  Together we figure out what they really want in their life and relationship and map out a plan to get there.  There is a beginning, middle and end. 

Here’s what new in my business:

I created the 90 day Make Your Marriage Work coaching program for couples who truly want to make their marriage work but don’t know how. 

The 90 day program has proved to be hugely beneficial to clients.  

Couples are more committed to the work and have better results faster.  

Why 90 days?  Because in all my years of working with couples this is what it takes to make real lasting change.  

Remember, most couples that come to see me have been married for years.  They have been repeating the same patterns and habits that have gotten them to where they are now when they’re reaching out for help.  

Those types of ingrained habits/patterns don’t change overnight.  It requires commitment, effort, patience and lots of practice with support, feedback and accountability from me.  

When clients invest in themselves and in saving their marriage, they commit to real change and growth.  

At the end of working together I want clients to be able to say…

“MY MARRIAGE WORKS”

Groundhog Day

⭐️DOES THIS SOUND LIKE YOU?

You have a big blowout over the weekend with your spouse, yet again.
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You swear this time you’ve got to do something about it.
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You start googling marriage help, how to fix my marriage or some variation of that. You’ll call on Monday.
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But Monday comes, you both head off to work, kids are off to school, and you return to everyday routine.
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Monday turns into Friday and before you know it you’re back in a groove and things don’t seem that bad.
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We’re good. We don’t need help.
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Even though the dust has settled, there’s still tension. In the back of your mind you’re worried about the next big fight.
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One or both of you walk on eggshells. You may hold back from saying things because you’re not sure how your partner will respond or what might set off the next big argument.
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But for now, things are quiet. Tense but quiet.
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You never quite get to feeling like you can let your guard down or just rest in the comfort of knowing you can handle whatever comes.
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It’s exhausting to live this way. Isn’t it.
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What effect is this having on your life, family life, your job, your relationships with other people. Your kids?
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Most days you can just push it aside and just do what you’ve got to do.
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But it feels more like just surviving!
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Do you want more for your life than just surviving?
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Here’s the thing,
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The problems you have are most likely not deal breakers.
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Let me say that again. The problems you have are most likely not deal breakers.
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But if this kind of pattern continues, it does eventually become a deal breaker.
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Because it becomes just too difficult to live this way.
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So if it can be fixed, Why wait?
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Get help for your marriage before it’s too late. So you can do more than just survive.
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You absolutely can fix this. And have a marriage you are happy to go home to. Imagine feeling more ease, having peace of mind, being more relaxed, enjoying each other, looking forward to spending time together, having positive feelings about your marriage, your partner, your life.
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How would you feel if you felt really good about the example you’re showing your kids of what a strong, healthy relationship looks like?
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Your marriage sets the climate for other areas of your life.
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When your marriage is doing well everyone does better, life is easier, there’s more laughter more lightness, more joy.
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If you want to stop just surviving and have more ease, peace, and joy in your marriage and your life book a free 30 minute relationship breakthrough call today.
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I want to help you figure out what’s not working, what you want more of in your marriage and help you make a step by step plan to get you there!

Call or text today 617-694-7015

Listen Up

If you really think about it, when you are in a  difficult conversation with your partner or spouse are you listening to understand and learn or are you listening to respond

If you’re being truthful you probably said “listening to respond”. 

Don’t worry, you’re not alone in this.  This is quite common and one of the most obvious blocks to good communication. I see this in the majority of couples I work with in my coaching practice.  Can you relate?

Most of us think we are listening when we’re really not.  When you’re caught in tense moments of disagreement or more difficult moments of full out arguments you are likely just thinking about your response.

You and your partner disagree about something.   You argue for your perspective to be heard without hearing what your partner has to say. You interrupt each other, talk over each other, tune out, judge, blame, and the big one is defend.  Being defensive is a huge block to real listening and is a hard habit to break. But is not impossible to learn.

In addition to defending another thing that partners do that gets in the way of good listening is trying to “fix it”.  

Instead of listening, which is what we all want, you or your partner try to come up with solutions to try and fix it.  Really, all you want is for them to listen but instead they are saying things like “why don’t you do x” or “don’t worry about it”  “you shouldn’t be upset about that”.  And while it may be well intentioned because the listener may not want you to feel discomfort, it only serves to invalidate your thoughts and feelings.  

Listening is such an important component of good communication. Without improving this it will be impossible to have better communication.  Learning and practicing real listening is the best way to have a deeper understanding of each other’s experience. When couples improve their listening they improve their communication and their connection. 

Here is an exercise you can practice at home.  One of you will be the speaker and one of you will be the listener.  The listener’s job is only to listen and the speaker’s job is to talk about an experience or subject they want their partner to know about. It can be about anything and preferably something neutral that the two of you have not historically fought about. This will help you practice the skill of listening.  

As the listener you:

  • Reflect back what you heard the person say.  “So what you’re saying it’s really important that you get to the gym 5 times a week”. 
  • Ask questions to learn more, be curious.  “What is it you like about working out?”
  • Act as if you are a reporter, learning about something you know nothing about.
  • Don’t try to solve anything or input your own perspective or thoughts. 

One other very important shift you want to try and make when working at listening is to not personalize what your partner is saying.  Remind yourself “this is not about me”. This is about my partner expressing themselves.  

Remind yourself, your partner is a separate person and is entitled to have a different opinion.  Focus only on learning about the other person’s perspective and don’t make it about yourself. When you are able to do this you are truly giving the other person the gift of being heard. 

True listening is much harder than you probably think because it requires putting aside your own stuff so you can deeply understand what your partner’s thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires are.  Working to understand their experience is real listening.  

Listening is a skill you need in all relationships.  If you’re working on your listening skills know that this will positively impact all of your relationships not just the one with your spouse or partner.  

If you’re interested in learning how to improve communication with your partner schedule a free phone consultation today.

 

Thinking Traps That Are Sabotaging your Relationship

Are you inadvertently sabotaging your relationship with faulty thoughts and beliefs. Thinking traps like these can keep you from having the marriage you truly want.  The good news is you can do something to change this.

Here are 3 common thinking traps that you’ll want to reconsider if you are interested in getting more of what you want in your marriage.

Problem #1. Making Assumptions  

Making assumptions means accepting or believing something to be true without proof.  Your daily interactions with your partner are often unknowingly filled with assumptions.  You base decisions on these assumptions, avoid conversations, and may even hold a grudge towards your partner based on an assumption.  All of this going on without ever actually knowing for certain what your partner is truly thinking.

Maybe it plays out like this…You walk in the house after a long day and your partner is quiet.  You immediately assume they must be mad at you but you can’t imagine what you did. You’re now feeling annoyed that your partner is mad at you. So you become quiet and withdrawn.  Do you see what just happened there?

What if instead you checked in with your partner and asked them “are you ok, you seem quiet, are you upset with me?”  You just may find that their quiet mood has absolutely nothing to do with you.

You have to stop assuming and start asking.  Anytime you find yourself thinking you know how your partner will respond or what they will say, ask yourself, “do I know this to be true or am I assuming?”.  If you discover you’re assuming then ask instead.

Problem #2. Mind Reading

Do you think/believe your partner should just know what you want, know how you feel or know what you expect?  I hear this from almost every couple I work with. And truth be told it’s most often from women. I know I fell into this trap in my own marriage before too. What I discovered is, I don’t  know anyone with the power of mind reading, do you?

Say for instance you’re upset about something your partner did.  You may believe they should know, A. that you are upset and B. why you’re upset.  Or you had a rough day at work at need some TLC and you think your partner should just know you want to be comforted. You may even say to yourself “I shouldn’t have to ask for this, my partner should just know?

The truth is we are grown ups and if we want something we have to ask for it.  As much as we would love our partners to know what we want and need without having to ask, this is just not reality.  No one can read your mind.

I certainly do understand the desire to want this kind of connection, I wanted it as well.  However, expecting it to happen will leave you repeatedly disillusioned and disappointed.

You’ve got to stop expecting your partner to know what you’re thinking and ask for what you want.  Which, by the way, doesn’t necessarily mean you will always get it (to be discussed in a future blog post).

Problem #3. They Should Want To

Ok, so you finally accept that maybe you will have to ask for what you want.  So say for example you ask your partner to greet you with a hug when you come home from work and  your partner agrees. Fantastic! Except now you question “do you WANT to give me a hug or are you doing it just because I asked?”.

The request is no longer a simple request.  There is an added expectation of “I want my partner to want to, not just do it because I want them to”.  See how confusing that gets. We make it way more complicated than it has to be.

The mistake is thinking/believing that it doesn’t count if your partner is doing it because you want them to do it.  Instead believing they should want to . Where did we come up with the belief that it doesn’t count if they’re doing it just because you asked.   

If your partner is willing to do what you ask then why not celebrate. You have a willing partner. Willing to do something they know will make a difference for you.  So rather than discount the effort your partner makes, praise and appreciate their desire to please you.  

These are just a few of the thinking traps that can create problems for your relationship.  Do you recognize yourself in any of these? How would your marriage change if you stopped doing one of these things? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.  

Why Avoiding Conflict is Bad for Your Marriage

Why Avoiding Conflict Is Bad for Your Marriage and what to do about it.

Let’s face it nobody really likes conflict but it’s a natural part of life that we all have to deal with.

The absence of conflict while appealing to some, is not necessarily a good indicator of a healthy marriage.  In fact if you never argue in your marriage it can lead to bigger problems.

Continuously avoiding conflict, believing, “conflict is bad or something must be wrong with my relationship” you set yourself up for big problems down the road.  

Perhaps you find yourself doing things you don’t want to do, saying yes when you really don’t want to, not speaking up for yourself, being upset about something and not bringing it up. When your partner asks you a question and you say “I’m fine”  because you don’t want to “get into it”. You may think you’re avoiding a fight, but all this really leads to is you and your partner not being honest with each other in order to avoid the tension of conflict.

At the time it seems the easiest way to deal with the situation, it gets you off the hook in the moment.  Sigh of relief, you dodge a bullet.

Unfortunately, the fact that steering clear of problems seems to work only  reinforces the initial feeling that avoiding conflict is a good solution.  Over time, avoiding fights ends up doing both of you a disservice as you develop habits of interacting that you’re hardly aware of.  You may be so accustomed to being this way that you’ve forgotten what matters to you. Resentful compliance becomes a way of life. But under the surface there’s a slow simmer waiting to erupt.

The truth is, lots of couples and or partners avoid conflict in their relationship.  It’s normal to do this from time to time, you pick your battles. Not all things need to be a matter of discussion. There may even be times when biting your tongue makes sense.  But repeatedly silencing yourself is in no one’s best interest.

It’s true conflict can be uncomfortable especially if you’re someone that has been conditioned to be fearful of it. However, it is possible to learn to address conflict in your marriage in a healthy respectful way.  It is possible to get comfortable with conflict and view it as an opportunity for growth.

What is it costing you to keep the peace?

On a small scale the avoidance of conflict looks something like, being agreeable to things your partner wants to do that you don’t want to.  Sure, I’ll go see that movie with you. I don’t care what restaurant we go to.

On a larger scale are couples who show up in my office after one partner has, out of nowhere,  announced they want a divorce and are ready to abruptly end the marriage after 15 years. The partner is stunned and can’t understand what happened. We never fought, I thought everything was fine. I didn’t realize you were unhappy.

Unfortunately, this scenario is not uncommon. 

Avoiding conflict in your marriage, while it may seem the easiest way to handle a difficult situation at the time, ends up wreaking havoc in the long run.

When you don’t address conflict your relationship suffers.  Accumulation of unaddressed issues can lead to:

  • Built up anger and resentment
  • Emotional distance and lack of intimacy
  • Unresolved relationship problems     
  • Self-doubt, lack of confidence
  • Missed opportunity for growth
  • Lack of honesty
  • Not getting what you want/need                                                                                                                              

Side stepping conflict in your marriage has the potential to cause significant emotional and relational consequences.

Conflict doesn’t have to be scary

Yes, dealing with conflict can be uncomfortable. But learning to tolerate tension and work through conflict is something that can be learned. Conflict and disagreement is necessary for the growth and health of any relationship.  If you’re someone who grew up in a family that never dealt with conflict then it makes sense that you try to avoid it.  

But when you learn to think of conflict as your friend instead of your enemy you open up  new opportunities to know yourself better and to deepen the connection in your marriage.

The root cause of most conflict comes down to differences, which are a normal part of any relationship.

When you express your feelings/thoughts openly and honestly you reduce feelings of anxiety and tension, as if a weight is lifted, it is healthier not to express not suppress. Suppressing your feelings can have significant emotional and physical consequences.

Here’s nine ways to start handling conflict in your marriage head on:

    • When you find yourself holding back ask yourself, “What is the worst that can happen?” Usually it’s not nearly as bad as you imagine.  
    • Take small risks at first. This will help build your confidence.
    • Take time if you need to decide what it is you want to express even if it’s after the fact.  
    • Change your belief that conflict is bad. Remind yourself it’s a normal part of relationships.
    • Work on expressing your opinion when differences arise.
    • Don’t mindread or assume.
    • Address situations that you would normally say nothing to keep the peace.
    • Be direct, use “I” statements.
    • Avoid blaming your partner. 

At My Marriage Works my clients work on facing their fear, becoming more and open in their communication and challenging themselves to talk about issues even when it’s uncomfortable.

Clients practice these skills both in session and out of the session.  They track progress by keeping a notebook or journal to record the things that are working to make a difference in the relationship.   

Together we work to uncover hidden beliefs that are driving their fear of conflict so clients can create new more helpful beliefs.  Clients begin to realize through experience that conflict is an opportunity for growth.

Couples have noticed that after just a few sessions they are starting to speak up more and say what’s on their mind even if they think it may lead to an argument.  They start to see that disagreements/arguments are an opportunity to work through difficulty and be strong on the other side.

When people tell you they never fight don’t be fooled into thinking they have the perfect marriage. The absence of conflict doesn’t mean there aren’t any problems in the relationship. It just means they aren’t being addressed.

To make sure that you and your partner aren’t burying conflict and creating dysfunctional patterns in your relationship call to schedule a session