You need a strong leader NOT a neutral 3rd party!

THE TRUTH ABOUT WHY YOU DON’T WANT A NEUTRAL 3rd PARTY to help you with your ​ MARRIAGE ……

Time and time again I receive emails from potential clients telling me they need a 3rd party to “mediate their communication” so that they can “talk to each other without fighting” they say to me.

Sadly…………having been there, tried to help, bought the T-shirt and wore the T-shirt several times over….. Now I have finally learned my lesson. ​

These types of emails typically translate into, they want someone to tell them (and their partners) that THEY are in the right and that the partner is in the wrong and then they want me to tell their partner what they should do about it to fix it!

Every. ​ Single. ​ Time.

This right here 👆 is not how marriage coaching works and if you find someone that’s actually doing that for you, whether it’s a coach or a therapist, let that be an indication you are not in the right place. ​

And I get it. ​ I know. ​ I know. ​ It feels GOOD and it feels EMPOWERING whenever a third party takes our side – especially when you may have spent years and years having nobody agreeing with you or even seeing your point for that matter!

But let me explain – here’s why this DOESN’T work. ​

Well first of all, if the solution were that simple, you would have already fixed things by now. ​ 🤔

And second, solving your marriage problems IS SO MUCH MORE than simply having a 3rd party decide for you who’s right and who’s wrong. ​

Having someone outside of your relationship making a judgment or decision for you, is setting up a situation where you will always need that outside support to negotiate issues with your partner. ​

It completely robs you of YOUR OWN POWER to decide and your ability and confidence to negotiate and work through problems and issues together with your spouse. ​

Having someone mediate or play judge for you only perpetuates the problem you have, only now you have the problem of one of you feeling ganged up on by the 3rd party, which causes an even bigger rift between you and your spouse. ​

Many times with these same couples there is an imbalance of blame in the relationship with one partner believing that the other is fully responsible for the problems in the marriage and wants a third party to validate this for them. ​

They might say things like “wait until the therapist sees how awful you are and then maybe you’ll finally understand and change”.

It’s like you’re tattling on your brother and you want your parents to take your side.

This is NOT effective coaching or therapy. ​ And will only serve to make things worse.

Imagine you go to a tutor to help you with math and the tutor does the math problems for you. ​ Doesn’t actually teach you how to do the math. ​ And then you have to take the test a week later without the tutor there. ​

How effective will this be? ​ ​ How well will you do solving the math problems for yourself?

I hope you can see from this example that it could NEVER work!

You don’t need a therapist or coach to solve the problem for you. ​

You need them to GIVE YOU THE SKILLS to be able to solve the problems on your own. ​

💥 So what does effective solution-focused marriage coaching actually look like?

My role as a marriage coach is to EMPOWER YOU WITH THE TOOLS, SKILLS AND MINDSET you need so you can create exactly what you want in your relationship, whatever that may be. ​ It’s not for me to decide or judge what’s right for your marriage. ​

❌ The mindset of right and wrong is one of the biggest reasons couples stay stuck in the same cycle for years. ​ Trying tirelessly to convince the other that their way is the only way. ​

Instead of deciding who’s right or wrong and judging your partner for the way they think, you will LEARN TO LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND your partner’s perspective. ​ ➡︎ Without blame, judgment, criticism or defensiveness.

This is ONE OF THE HARDEST SKILLS we as humans, in any relationship, have to learn to master to have a healthy, happy, fulfilling marriage.

This is one of many skills I help my clients with in my 12 week MARRIAGE MASTERY PRIVATE COACHING PROGRAM. ​ 💕

⭐️Which is the skill of DIFFERENTIATION. ​

A fancy way of saying that you learn how to balance being in a close relationship with another person (attachment), while still being able to maintain a solid sense of yourself (autonomy).

⚡️SO WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE IN REAL TIME for you is when you find yourself on the opposite side of an issue with your spouse, it could be anything from the way you parent your kids, the way you manage and think about money, the way you view political issues and everything in between. ​ ….

⚡️It looks like you HAVING THE ABILITY TO SPEAK YOUR TRUTH, your thoughts, feelings, beliefs about an issue, while at the same time being able to listen to and acknowledge your partner’s view even when it differs from your own….

⚡️For many this will mean they have to work on managing the emotional reactivity that comes up from feeling triggered by an opposing view, rather than trying to get your partner to agree with your perspective, you’re able to acknowledge theirs, without making them wrong and without having to agree. ​

My approach, which I learned from world renowned mentors, emphasizes personal growth and this concept of differentiation. ​

I do this in my 12 -week Marriage Mastery program….

✔︎First: ​ It starts with strengthening your sense of self. ​

By shifting your focus away from trying to change your partner and being beholden to them for feeling happy and fulfilled, to focusing on the things you can control, which is yourself and how you are showing up in your relationship. ​

It’s easy to be well versed in all your partner’s flaws and be blind to our own contribution. ​ So by connecting back to yourself you will become aware of the things you may be doing that are part of the problem.

And work on improving in those areas. ​ ​ By doing so you become the empowered creator of the life and marriage you truly desire. ​

✔︎Second: ​ Now that you’ve shifted your focus and you’re working on changing the things you can control. ​ I help you learn better, more effective ways of communicating with your partner. ​

Learning to listen and speak in ways that promote respectful, honest meaningful conversation about important issues that keep resurfacing in your marriage so you can clear away built up frustration and resentments that have kept you feeling disconnected. ​

✔︎Third: ​ I help you to DISTINGUISH FACT FROM STORY, help you identify beliefs that aren’t true or are only maybe half true, and help expand your perspective around the meaning you assign to the way your partner behaves. ​

When relationships have been stuck in repeated patterns over years, not only do we get good at doing things that are unhealthy and ineffective. ​ We also think and believe things that are unhealthy, ineffective and NOT TRUE. ​

But we’re so close to the situation that we can’t even see that these thoughts we keep thinking have the possibility of not being true. ​
Like the labels we assign to our partner or to our marriage. Like this will never work, he’ll never change, he always does this, see he did it again.
So our thinking is actually looking for evidence to support the stories and beliefs we’ve been practicing for so long. ​

For example, If your partner is someone that doesn’t share his feelings easily. ​ Some could make this mean, he doesn’t care. ​
And if you’ve been believing that for years it may take some time and shift in perspective to consider that he does actually care and he shows this in other ways. ​

And instead of always looking for the evidence to show he doesn’t care, you would FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON ALL THE WAYS THAT HE DOES SHOW HE CARES. The more we notice and appreciate what IS, the more we will see that. ​

👉🏼If you want to learn the actual skills it takes to create your dream marriage instead of just solving symptoms then send me a message inside the DMs about my 12 week marriage mastery private coaching program.

👉🏼Marriage Mastery is for professional, growth minded, women (& couples) who have been successful in so many areas of their life, they have everything they’ve wanted and worked so hard for but can’t enjoy it because your marriage has been struggling for years. ​

Perhaps your marriage took a back seat to growing your business or raising your kids or both and you and your spouse found yourself little more than roommates after years of neglecting your relationship. ​

This is a common scenario for many professional women, trying to balance all the areas of their life.

And inside my marriage mastery program I will teach you EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO to get your marriage back on track, reconnect with your spouse, prioritize your relationship so you can truly enjoy the life you have built together and enjoy the second chapter of your life together. ​

With all of that said, if you are interested in making your marriage the best it can be in 2024, then just send me a email or book a consultation here and we’ll have a chat to see if my 12 week Marriage Mastery program is a good fit for you. ​  Or click here for all the details about how Marriage Mastery works.

When you send me a message please share the details about how long you’ve been married, what problems you’re struggling with specifically and how you want your relationship to be different in the next several months. ​ ​ If I think I can help you, we’ll schedule a call to figure out a start date for you. ​


I look forward to connecting with you.

We’re Just So Different

I hear this from every woman or couple I work with. ​ ​

They think “we’re just so different” is the reason their relationship is not working. ​ ​

And wonder “how do we make this work when we can’t agree on anything”. ​ ​

​Earlier in my own marriage this is exactly what I thought.​

My husband and I are so different, did I marry the right person. ​ ​

Let’s be honest. ​ ​

You married your partner in the first place because he was different than you. ​ ​

It wasn’t a problem then and it’s not a problem now. ​ ​

You just stopped accepting and appreciating those differences the way you once did. ​ ​

​The truth is you will have differences in any relationship. ​ ​

They will be a different set of differences in another relationship but you’ll still have to figure out how to deal with them. ​ ​

Letting go of judgment.​ 👈🏻

​Accepting people for who they are.​ 💕​

May not be easy but is critical for the success of any relationship. ​

Whether with your partner, your children, parents, co workers, etc. ​ ​

And yourself! ​ ​

Chances are if you’re judging them you’re also judging you.​

​I used to get so mad at my husband when he didn’t have the same thoughts and feelings I did about something. ​ ​😡​ ​ 😡​

If I got mad, for example…..
At the take out guy who got our order wrong, ​
Or the person in front of us driving really slow, ​
Or the lawn guy who sprayed our lawn when it was raining… ​ ​

I expected my husband to be mad too. ​

But the truth is, he wasn’t bothered by stuff like that.
Still isn’t. ​ ​

And that bothered me. ​

Now, I wasn’t just mad at the lawn guy. ​

I was mad at my husband for not being mad at the lawn guy!​

Sounds silly when I actually write it out. 😜​

I would literally argue with him because I thought he should be mad like I was. ​ ​

Can you relate??​

Here’s what I learned that has changed my marriage. ​

It’s not the differences that are the problem, it’s the judgment, criticism and intolerance that their perspective is different than yours. ​ ​💯

Ask yourself, why is it so important that my partner agree with me on this?​

What do you make it mean when they don’t?​

​It took a lot of practice for me to finally be able to break this pattern. ​ ​

I still see it come up for me from time to time. ​
I can see myself quietly judging him.​

⚡️  But now I’m able to stop myself and recognize what I’m doing before I start trying to change his mind. ​ ​

⚡️  The more I was able to do that the less I reacted in anger and judgment. ​ ​

⚡️  We stopped having so many arguments.​

⚡️  I was less frustrated and annoyed and felt more loving towards my husband. ​ ​

⚡️  I started to actually listen to his thoughts and feelings instead of criticizing them. ​ ​

⚡️  I made a genuine effort to understand his perspective by being curious and asking questions. ​ ​

​This was a relief for both of us. ​✨  ❤️  ✨

And relieved so much tension in our marriage. ​ ​

​I felt more loving and accepting when I let go of judgment and stopped trying to change him. ​ ​

I feel lighter just writing that. ​ ​🤩​

If your differences are taking a toll on your relationship ​

If you’re stuck in a similar pattern as I was and you want to figure out how to let go of judgment and reconnect with love so you can be happy in your marriage, I can help! 💕​

Send me a private message and let’s talk about the dreams you have for you future together.

Everyday We Have Opportunities to GROW & EVOLVE Into a Higher Version of Ourselves

Not only in our marriage.​

In EVERY relationship we are a part of. ​

From children, to parents, to the check out clerk at the grocery store, literally everyone we come in contact with.​

​Through our relationships with other people we learn more about ourselves. ​

And we get to practice BECOMING more of who we want to be. 💗

​This morning I had the opportunity to practice this “becoming” with my son.​

Who saved his summer reading for the week before school starts​! 😡​

I was tempted to step into an unproductive argument with him. ​ ​

Over the years, I’ve stepped into this struggle countless times around this same issue. ​

​The OLD VERSION OF ME would have yelled, told him what to do, blamed him for not planning properly. ​ ​

We would have fought, shed tears, been mad at each other. ​

And NOTHING would have been accomplished from that interaction except perhaps feeling hurt.​

Forcing, blaming, judging, controlling … ❌

How does that work?​

If you’re a parent YOU KNOW exactly how that worked. ​

Actually, anytime we force, judge, blame or try to control….IT NEVER WORKS.

So instead I paused. ​​⏸​

I didn’t react.​

I thought about how I wanted to respond. 😢

I reminded myself, this is his problem to solve not mine. ​

These are the same “skills” or EMOTIONAL MUSCLE I developed and used to transform my marriage. ​ ​

Building this emotional muscle starts with YOU getting more connected with yourself, INSTEAD OF focusing on your partner.​
​​
It really is the only way to create the change you want. ​ ​ ​

⚡️ Your power comes from YOU being connected to yourself
⚡️ Deciding who you want to be. ​
⚡️ How you want to show up in your relationships ​
⚡️ And not trying to force or change another.​

Because when we try to change other people it just doesn’t work.​ ❌

When I change….my relationships change​
When I change…..I create exactly what I want​
When I change…..I’m powerful​
When I change……I’m no longer a victim​
When I change….. I become the person I’m meant to be​

↠ So how did I handle the situation with my son?​

👉🏻 I noticed my urge to step in and tell him what to do. ​

❌  I thought about it but knew it wouldn’t be helpful. ​ ​

🔑  This is key, being aware of your own thinking while it’s happening so you can do something different in a moment when you typically just react. ​

​✅  Instead, I asked him questions about how much time he thought he needed and when he thought he’d be able to get it done. ​ ​

🧠  It gave him a chance to think about it for himself. ​
​ ​
😌  I stayed calm and unattached to what he decided. ​ ​

👉🏻  I no longer try to control the outcome. ​ ​

It’s up to HIM. ​ ​

He may have to deal with consequences if he doesn’t get it done and he might not be happy about those consequences but it’s NOT MY JOB to control what happens. ​

It’s not my job to try and control things so he doesn’t have to feel frustrated or disappointed. ​ ​

​Rather than struggling with me, he had to BE WITH himself.​
​ ​
If I was my OLD REACTIVE SELF, ​ he’d have been focused on my anger instead of on coming up with a plan to get his work done. ​

When I try to control I ROB HIM of the opportunity to grow.​

And I ROB MYSELF of the opportunity to grow as well. ​ ​

To sit with my own uncomfortable feelings of not doing what I normally would do. Which is to jump in and problem solve or rescue him from experiencing his own discomfort. ​ ​

At the end of the day, This makes for a MUCH BETTER relationship between us. 💯

Are you caught up in these type of struggles with someone in your life?​

I work with women who are insightful and self aware, who know they want to change and grow and have more meaningful and fulfilling relationships but don’t know where to start. ​ ​

If that’s you I invite you to send me a message. ​​💗

We can talk about what patterns are showing up in your relationships that you’d like to change, what it will take for you to become the next versions of yourself and how I can help you get there.

5 Weeks Ago My Client Was Considering Divorce!

She was doubtful that doing the work ALONE would make a difference in her marriage.

She was CONVINCED that her HUSBAND needed to participate in marriage coaching or it wouldn’t work. ​ ​

After just 5 sessions working together SHE IS SEEING BIG SHIFTS in her marriage just by changing what she’s doing. 😇  😇

These ARE NOT massive changes. ​ ​

These are SMALL TWEAKS in her perspective. ​ ​ ​

She is seeing how her thoughts and beliefs ARE creating her experience of her marriage. ​ ​

And realizing SHE CAN change her experience by changing her thoughts. ​

She is owning HER PART in the painful cycle of arguments. ​

AND she is starting to see things from HER PARTNER’S PERSPECTIVE. ​ ​

She is seeing quick results because…. ​

She is open to looking at HER OWN contribution to the problems.

She’s open to learning more ABOUT HERSELF, instead of continuing to blame her partner. ​ ​

She’s WILLING to see things from a different perspective. ​👀

She’s blown away that she didn’t see things in this new way before. ​ ​

She had blinders on. ​ ​
We ALL have blinders on to seeing ourselves clearly. ​

That’s why it’s critical to have A MENTOR support you and guide you through these challenges. ​ ​ ​

A month ago she was talking about separating because the arguing was just too painful. ​ ​

It was the last thing she wanted she just didn’t see any way forward. ​ ​
Now she is feeling more at peace, there is less conflict, she is feeling hopeful about her marriage, she is enjoying her partner again.

What she knows now WILL FOREVER CHANGE THE TRAJECTORY OF HER LIFE and marriage.​​

Everyday, people walk away from their marriage even when they don’t want to because the emotional suffering becomes too much to handle. ​ ​

And like my client, many don’t see a solution. ​

IT’S NOT OUR FAULT. ​ ​

Most of us were never taught how to have a happy healthy marriage. The great news is it’s NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN.

I know you’re struggling right now, you’ve lost hope that change is possible. I want you to know IT’S ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE for you to be happy in your marriage again.​

I can show you how to TRANSFORM YOUR MARRIAGE from barely surviving to fully thriving. ​ ​

If you can relate to my client’s story and you want to stop suffering and enjoy being married again I invite you to send me a message. 💖

➡️  We can talk about what patterns are showing up in your relationships that you’d like to change. ​

➡️  What it will take for you to have the marriage and life you truly desire and

➡️  How I will help you get there.

Wondering How to Convince Your Partner to Go to Marriage Counseling With You?

So the therapist can take your side.​

Tell your husband the same things you’ve been telling him for years.​

And hopefully, finally, he’ll see he’s wrong and HE’LL CHANGE? ​

​If you’re nodding your head in agreement. ​ ​

Like yes of course that’s exactly it.​

❌. I hate to burst your bubble but THAT’S EXACTLY THE REASON you’re struggling in your marriage. ​ ​

The woman that has a LIFE & MARRIAGE SHE LOVES knows her relationship is simply a mirror.​

Reflecting back to her the places within that need healing. ​ ​ ​ ​

She might not know what the solution is but SHE KNOWS it starts with LOOKING INWARD rather than getting caught up in an endless cycle of blame and criticism.​

​She’s NOT looking for the traditional therapist to rehash the argument of the week. ​

She’s been that route. ​ ​

She knows she needs something more than what therapy can offer. ​

She is NOT looking for the quick fix because ​

She knows doing this kind of work is an ongoing process of personal growth and evolution.​

And she’s EXCITED to do this work.​

​She’s been on this path for a while.
​AND wants to break free of the self imposed constraints that have held her back in her life and relationships. ​ ​ ​

She’s NOT shopping for the cheapest option.​

She’s accustom to investing in her personal growth.​

She understands the commitment and focus that comes from investing in herself and her marriage. ​

The woman that TRULY DESIRES to change her life & marriage understands how precious life is and​
Is not interested in wasting any more time. ​

She’s decided SHE’S NOT WILLING to settle for a mediocre marriage or life. ​ ​

She wants to be pushed, be challenged, get out of her comfort zone, try new things, hold herself to a higher standard​.

Because she understands, THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES to continue growing and evolving. ​ ​

There’s no need to convince this woman. ​
She’s all in for herself. ​ ​

IS THIS WOMAN YOU?

Why It’s Not Working

WHY ISN’T IT WORKING?

Trying to change what you’re doing WITHOUT changing your beliefs and attitudes ONLY creates temporary change.​

You’ve been caught in a painful cycle of arguments. ​ ​

YOUR TRIGGERS ARE RUNNING THE SHOW. ​ ​

And without fail your weekend was ruined by another big blow out? ​

All over something STUPID. ​ ​
​🙄

Like most arguments, you don’t even remember what you were fighting about.​

Quiet tension and cold distance continues long after the fight until one of you breaks the silence. ​ ​

YOU PROMISE TO TRY HARDER.​

You make agreements with yourself, with your partner, you’re gonna do it different. ​ ​

You’re not going to react like this. ​ ​
You’re going to stay calm and talk things through.​

The next time comes. ​

And the minute you get triggered you go right back into the SAME OLD WAYS, the same old reactive response. ​

Defensive, blaming, judging and criticizing. ​ ​

This PAINFUL CYCLE is impacting everything in your life, even if you don’t realize it. ​ ​

I didn’t realize it either until I FREED MYSELF FROM LIVING IN EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY to things I couldn’t control. ​ ​

It was affecting my mental and emotional well being, the well being of my family. ​

My kids were so aware of what was going on even though I liked to think they didn’t. ​

So why wasn’t it working? ​ Why couldn’t we change?​

YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE PATTERNS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT CHANGING YOUR THOUGHT, BELIEFS AND ATTITUDES. ​💯
​​

What are your current thoughts and beliefs about your partner, your marriage?​

DO YOU BELIEVE ​
You partner is wrong?​
He always does X.​
This will never change.​
What’s wrong with him.​
If he would only…… I wouldn’t have to feel this way ​

The narrative has to change if you want to create lasting change in your marriage. ​ ​


Changing the narrative, the negative thoughts & beliefs is what CHANGED MY MARRIAGE FOR GOOD.​


What gave me the internal peace I’d been desperate for (my whole life).​

What led to better relationships with my boys.​

What helped me to stop personalizing other people’s behavior.​

What helped me stop being a victim to my circumstance?​

WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR THINKING, BEHAVIOR CHANGES CAN HAPPEN QUICKLY​

Most of us have been repeating the SAME THOUGHTS OVER AND OVER for years and don’t realize how they contribute to creating our current reality. ​ ​

That’s where a coach can help you. ​ ​

As a marriage & relationship coach I help you see the things you can’t see so you can make the changes you haven’t been able to make on your own. ​ ​

I can help you solve these problems for good so you can stop just surviving in your marriage and start thriving. ​ ​ ​

In my 1:1 private coaching I’ll help you​…

✔︎Identify and understand the patterns of communication that keep you looping in the same arguments.​
​ ​
✔︎Identify and change the thoughts and beliefs that are contributing to keeping you stuck. ​

✔︎So you can learn to manage your triggers and respond instead of react. ​ ​


You can create an entirely different narrative about your marriage and your partner and have a relationship that’s even better than you dreamed. ​


If you’re ready to improve communication so you can stop having the same fight over and over and enjoy being married again then send me a private message.

You can react or respond in your marriage

LIVING YOUR LIFE IN REACTION TO THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL IS EXHAUSTING. ​

Especially in your marriage.​

You wish that you didn’t get so hurt by things that your partner says or does?​

You DON’T have to!​

But you have to decide to CHANGE THE NARRATIVE you have about him, yourself and your marriage.​

This was a LIFE CHANGING shift that freed me from feeling anxious, depressed and worried so much of the time. ​

I was reflecting this weekend on how different my marriage is now than it was 8-10 years ago. ​ ​

Something that would have previously set me off on a spiral of ​ negative thoughts about him and our marriage was but a moment to notice how far I’ve come in my personal growth. ​ ​

Friday my husband told me he was going out with friends on Sunday.​

He said it like we’d already discussed it or that he’d already told me about it.​

What? Where are you going?​
I told you….​
No you didn’t, but it’s not a problem. ​ What’s your plan?​
And then he explained.​

I noticed in that very moment that I was happy for him. ​ ​

In fact, It always makes me happy when he has time with his friends. ​ ​
I didn’t always feel that way. ​ ​

OLD ME would have been angry that he didn’t tell me. ​ ​
Or that he thought he told me and he didn’t. ​ ​
I would have made up a story that he never tells me anything. ​ ​

Ultimately making it mean that he doesn’t care about me or that I’m not important. ​ ​

Hmmm, that’s an interesting story. ​ ​

So easy for me to look at it now and see how I let so many well practiced thoughts CONTROL MY LIFE. ​

OLD ME would have felt hurt that he was going to spend the day with his friends instead of hanging out with me. ​ ​

Now, I’m excited to have the day to myself. ​ ​
I love spending time alone. ​ ​
I used to dread it because I didn’t like being with myself. ​ ​

My mind was always filled with negative chatter that was uncomfortable and I wanted to be busy to get away from my own thoughts. ​ ​

What’s different?​

There is no mind drama about this being a big deal. ​ ​
There is no questioning our relationship because he forgot to tell me something.​
There is no making it mean that he doesn’t care or that he’d prefer to be with his friends.​

OLD ME MADE IT ALL ABOUT ME.​

Every little thing felt like a slight. ​

I was EITHER in a state of being hurt or recovering from feeling hurt. ​

It was exhausting and miserable. ​ ​

And now…​

I choose to think that it’s never about me.​
It’s only ever about me when I think it is.​

This my friends is a shift in thinking that can set you free. ​ ​

Not taking things personally, not making everything someone else does mean something about YOU will change your LIFE. ​ ​

How did it change my life?​
I’m happier​
I like myself more​
I enjoy being alone​
I enjoy my husband more​
I don’t let what others do determine my worth or my happiness.​

This is the kind of work I do with women & couples when I coach them 1:1. ​

Of course they come to me to work on their marriage.​

BUT the real work of changing your marriage is changing the relationship you have with YOURSELF. ​ ​

I help you take control of your life instead of living in reaction to all the things outside of you.​

So you are living from an EMPOWERED place and designing your life instead of feeling like life is happening to you.

Would you like to react less in your marriage or other relationships in your life?

That’s exactly what I help my clients do.  Want to learn more…. Couples Coaching  Coaching for Women 

Or complete the form below and I’ll get back to you to schedule a time to chat!

LET’S CHAT

Have You Forgotten to Listen?

THE reason YOUR HUSBAND is NOT talking to YOU is because you’re NOT LISTENING.​

You probably don’t even realize it. ​ ​
In fact you probably consider yourself a really good listener. ​
​ ​
But what happens when your husband says something you don’t like or don’t agree with?​

Do you pause and get curious and ask questions about why he thinks that?​

Or do you get defensive and tell him he’s wrong and that’s a stupid idea and we’re not doing it that way?​

Let’s say he tells you about a work situation, a difficult meeting with his boss or something like that. ​ ​


A few minute into the story and you start judging how he handled it and tell him he should have said, or should have done, why did you say it that way……​

He feels judged and criticized instead of supported. ​ ​

If these situations come up often enough he will eventually feel like “why bother”, “I’m not gonna tell her because she’s just gonna get mad or tell me I’m wrong”. ​ ​

So he stops sharing. ​ And you wonder why he doesn’t share. ​

It’s the same situation with your kids. ​

You want them to tell you everything, want to know what’s going on in their lives, want them to feel safe and comfortable enough to tell you if they get into trouble or need a ride home because they can’t drive. ​ ​

The only way they are going to feel safe enough to do that is if YOU make it safe for them to do that. ​ ​

You do that by managing your own emotions and reactions when you don’t agree with what they are saying. ​ ​

You stay curious and open and listen without judgment. ​ ​

If you want your husband to talk to you more, check in with yourself and notice where you might be shutting this down without knowing it. ​ ​

Your reactions can invite lies OR invite the truth. ​ ​
It’s your choice.

The real reason you can’t fix your MARRIAGE

The reason you haven’t been able to fix your marriage problems on your own is simply because you don’t know how.
You’ve been trying for years but it’s not working and so you’re left thinking there must be something wrong with you. ​ ​
Let me assure you, not being able to fix this on your own does NOT mean ​
➤There’s something wrong with you​.
➤It doesn’t mean you don’t belong together​.
➤It doesn’t mean you married the wrong person.​
➤It doesn’t mean that you’re marriage is destined to fail or be miserable.
The problem is simply that you’ve been repeatedly trying to fix it with things that don’t work. ​ ​
Here’s what most people do that doesn’t work and keeps them stuck for years.​
➡️ ​ Trying to solve your problems when you’re both triggered. ​ You DON’T have conversations about the important things unless you’re in a heated argument about it. ​ ​
∙At that point both of you are triggered and trying to solve the problems from your emotional brain. ​ ​
∙Think about it. How productive is it when you’re both triggered and all you want to do is win the argument?​
There’s lots of blame, judgment and defensiveness. ​ ​
∙Eventually things calm down. ​ But you don’t revisit the conversation because you figure it won’t go well anyway and you’ll probably end up in another argument. ​ ​
➡️ ​ Trying to fix your partner. ​ Focusing on his faults and flaws. ​ You know them so well. ​ If he would just, why can’t he, he always, he never, he’s so _______fill in the blank. ​
∙When you focus on changing your partner you feel frustrated and disappointed. You keep trying to change him, get him to be a version of himself that would be acceptable to you. ​ ​
∙First of all, No one feels motivated to make change when they feel criticized and judged and ​ when you’re focused on him, what you can’t control and don’t focus on yourself, the things you can control you stay stuck. ​
➡️ ​ You’re trying to make change from will power alone. ​ You make agreements to do things differently either with yourself or with your partner with the same thoughts that got you to where you are. ​ ​
∙Your brain has been practiced in thinking negative thoughts and beliefs about your partner and your marriage for a very long time that make it impossible to see anything different than what you have right now. ​ ​ ​
∙Meaning if you are repeatedly think that your partner will never change, he’s so selfish, he doesn’t care about me, if he loved me he would _________. ​ I’ve been trying for years and he does nothing, you will see everything through that lens of negativity and you will filter out anything positive that doesn’t confirm that story. ​ ​
And you most likely aren’t even aware that these thoughts are running the show. ​ ​
It makes sense that if you’re doing the same things over and over and nothing changes, ​ eventually you do begin to think it’s not fixable. ​ ​ ​
The truth is most of us were never taught or learned how to do relationships well. ​ There’s no manual that tells us what to do when things get hard. ​ ​ We end up fumbling, struggling, stumbling and failing. ​ ​
Being in this place it can be painful, frustrating it takes a huge toll on your relationship and quite honestly your whole life. ​ ​
When your marriage isn’t going well it affects all areas of your life….your mood your outlook on life, the way you show up with your kids, at your job ​
⭐️ The good news is there is another way. ​ It is possible to change all of this, you don’t have to do it on your own.​  And that’s exactly the work I do with my clients. ​
You can transform from years of pain and suffering in your marriage to feeling more peace, calm and connection than you ever thought possible. ​ ​
What does work is… ​
  •  ​Learning how to identify your triggers and manage your emotional reactions so you can talk with your partner in a respectful, calm and loving way. ​ Instead of repeating the same reactive cycle over and over ​ ​
  • Making lasting change in your relationship will require you looking at your contribution to the way things are instead of trying to change your partner. ​ ​
  •  You have to shift your focus from your partner to yourself. ​ It may be uncomfortable right now because you’ve been in the habit of blaming your partner. ​
  • As you look more deeply at yourself and learn to identify your own thoughts and feelings, this will empower you to create exactly what you want. ​ It will take consistent effort, motivation, openness and a willingness to try new things and see things differently​
  • ​ And rather than trying to make change from willpower alone, I help clients learn how to get to the root cause of their problems so they create lasting change that literally impacts their entire life. ​ ​
  • This involves gaining a deeper awareness of your mindset. Looking closely at identifying the thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself and your marriage that prevent you from seeing different possibilities for your future. ​ ​
  • You’ll retrain your brain to identify and practice new thoughts & beliefs that support the relationship you desire. ​ ​
When you stop trying to do it on your own and have a clear path forward you will see that what you thought was impossible is completely possible. ​ ​
With the process I take my clients through they are able to move out of this stuck place rather quickly. ​ Especially when you compare it the the many years or decades they have been stuck. ​
Some clients have been able to achieve results in as little as 4 sessions. ​ ​
When you learn what works and practice new patterns that support the marriage you want, change happens fast. ​ ​
There’s absolutely no reason you can’t fix your marriage, ​ if that’s what you truly want. ​ ​
Let me help you do that. ​ ​
If you want to learn how to change your marriage once and for all, send me a message so you can started today.
or book a 30 minute consult here….

Stop Struggling In Your Marriage

WANT TO KNOW EXACTLY WHY YOU KEEP STRUGGLING IN YOUR MARRIAGE❓❓
You think It’s because you can’t communicate. ​
But the reason you can’t communicate is because you’re focused on the wrong things. ​ ​
⭐️ ⭐️ You’re focused on changing your partner. ​ You think HE needs to change for YOU to be happy. ​
The truth is you can’t change or control anyone but yourself. ​ Shift your focus to thinking about what you CAN control and what you CAN change. ​ ​
When you learn how to be happy without needing your husband to change anything then your marriage will be better than you ever imagined it could be. ​
⭐️ ⭐️ You’re focused on everything that’s wrong in your marriage but spend very little time thinking about how you can make it better. ​ Which just keeps you spinning in thoughts about how awful it is. ​ ​ ​
Instead think about how you want it to be different. ​ If you want to have better communication with your husband, what does that mean, specifically? ​ ​
Shift your focus to thinking about solutions. How can I make this better instead of complaining about how bad it is. ​ What can YOU do to make a difference in the way you communicate. ​ ​
Do you need to be less blaming and critical, can you request instead of making demands. ​ ​
Many times we don’t have an accurate picture of ourselves so we might not see that we are being all these things, which makes it hard for our husband to respond the way we would like him to. ​ ​
⭐️ ⭐️ You’re focused on solving the details of your problems. ​ I tell clients they are debating facts instead of working on learning how to talk to each other differently. ​ ​
You know those conversations, when you go in circles about what actually happened. ​ ​
“Yes you did, I remember when I walked in the door you didn’t say hi and you just kept doing what you were doing”. “No that’s not true, I did say hi but I was in the middle of something, did you expect me to drop everything and just run over to you” “well if you could have at least said hello, I didn’t ask you to come running over to me I only asked that you say hi and you couldn’t’ even do that?”. ​
You keep at this conversation restating your position over and over. ​ You can’t resolve this. ​ You each remember it differently no matter how many times you repeat yourself. ​ ​ This will get you nowhere fast. ​ ​
Change your focus to expressing what you were thinking and feeling instead. ​ ​ When I walked in the door and you didn’t say hi I felt hurt or unimportant. ​ ​
Or I would really like it if we greeted each other with a warm hug when I come home at night. ​
This approach leads to more constructive conversations rather than just arguing about the specifics. ​ ​
➡️When you learn how to make these shifts in yourself you will begin to see significant changes in you marriage and life.🙌🏼
🔹 You will begin to feel more in charge of creating the relationship you truly desire instead of waiting for your partner to do it for you. ​ ​
🔹 You’ll feel more empowered, confident and in charge of your life. ​ ​
🔹 You’ll resolve your disagreements with more ease and without feeling like you’re chasing your tail in circles. ​ ​
🔹 You’ll feel more connected to your partner. Instead of seeing him as the opponent you’ll be working as a team. ​ ​
This is the kind of change that transforms marriages and this is exactly what I do with women and couples in my 4 month coaching program. ​
If you’re ready for change and ready to do what you can to change yourself because that’s the only thing you can change, then reach out to me in a pm and we’ll see if my four month program is right for you. ​
In my experience when someone is committed to doing this work, their marriage and really their whole life can change quite quickly.  Send me a message and we’ll chat today.  Denise@mymarriageworks.com