You need a strong leader NOT a neutral 3rd party!


Time and time again I receive emails from potential clients telling me they need a 3rd party to “mediate their communication” so that they can “talk to each other without fighting” they say to me.

Sadly…………having been there, tried to help, bought the T-shirt and wore the T-shirt several times over….. Now I have finally learned my lesson. ​

These types of emails typically translate into, they want someone to tell them (and their partners) that THEY are in the right and that the partner is in the wrong and then they want me to tell their partner what they should do about it to fix it!

Every. ​ Single. ​ Time.

This right here 👆 is not how marriage coaching works and if you find someone that’s actually doing that for you, whether it’s a coach or a therapist, let that be an indication you are not in the right place. ​

And I get it. ​ I know. ​ I know. ​ It feels GOOD and it feels EMPOWERING whenever a third party takes our side – especially when you may have spent years and years having nobody agreeing with you or even seeing your point for that matter!

But let me explain – here’s why this DOESN’T work. ​

Well first of all, if the solution were that simple, you would have already fixed things by now. ​ 🤔

And second, solving your marriage problems IS SO MUCH MORE than simply having a 3rd party decide for you who’s right and who’s wrong. ​

Having someone outside of your relationship making a judgment or decision for you, is setting up a situation where you will always need that outside support to negotiate issues with your partner. ​

It completely robs you of YOUR OWN POWER to decide and your ability and confidence to negotiate and work through problems and issues together with your spouse. ​

Having someone mediate or play judge for you only perpetuates the problem you have, only now you have the problem of one of you feeling ganged up on by the 3rd party, which causes an even bigger rift between you and your spouse. ​

Many times with these same couples there is an imbalance of blame in the relationship with one partner believing that the other is fully responsible for the problems in the marriage and wants a third party to validate this for them. ​

They might say things like “wait until the therapist sees how awful you are and then maybe you’ll finally understand and change”.

It’s like you’re tattling on your brother and you want your parents to take your side.

This is NOT effective coaching or therapy. ​ And will only serve to make things worse.

Imagine you go to a tutor to help you with math and the tutor does the math problems for you. ​ Doesn’t actually teach you how to do the math. ​ And then you have to take the test a week later without the tutor there. ​

How effective will this be? ​ ​ How well will you do solving the math problems for yourself?

I hope you can see from this example that it could NEVER work!

You don’t need a therapist or coach to solve the problem for you. ​

You need them to GIVE YOU THE SKILLS to be able to solve the problems on your own. ​

💥 So what does effective solution-focused marriage coaching actually look like?

My role as a marriage coach is to EMPOWER YOU WITH THE TOOLS, SKILLS AND MINDSET you need so you can create exactly what you want in your relationship, whatever that may be. ​ It’s not for me to decide or judge what’s right for your marriage. ​

❌ The mindset of right and wrong is one of the biggest reasons couples stay stuck in the same cycle for years. ​ Trying tirelessly to convince the other that their way is the only way. ​

Instead of deciding who’s right or wrong and judging your partner for the way they think, you will LEARN TO LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND your partner’s perspective. ​ ➡︎ Without blame, judgment, criticism or defensiveness.

This is ONE OF THE HARDEST SKILLS we as humans, in any relationship, have to learn to master to have a healthy, happy, fulfilling marriage.

This is one of many skills I help my clients with in my 12 week MARRIAGE MASTERY PRIVATE COACHING PROGRAM. ​ 💕

⭐️Which is the skill of DIFFERENTIATION. ​

A fancy way of saying that you learn how to balance being in a close relationship with another person (attachment), while still being able to maintain a solid sense of yourself (autonomy).

⚡️SO WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE IN REAL TIME for you is when you find yourself on the opposite side of an issue with your spouse, it could be anything from the way you parent your kids, the way you manage and think about money, the way you view political issues and everything in between. ​ ….

⚡️It looks like you HAVING THE ABILITY TO SPEAK YOUR TRUTH, your thoughts, feelings, beliefs about an issue, while at the same time being able to listen to and acknowledge your partner’s view even when it differs from your own….

⚡️For many this will mean they have to work on managing the emotional reactivity that comes up from feeling triggered by an opposing view, rather than trying to get your partner to agree with your perspective, you’re able to acknowledge theirs, without making them wrong and without having to agree. ​

My approach, which I learned from world renowned mentors, emphasizes personal growth and this concept of differentiation. ​

I do this in my 12 -week Marriage Mastery program….

✔︎First: ​ It starts with strengthening your sense of self. ​

By shifting your focus away from trying to change your partner and being beholden to them for feeling happy and fulfilled, to focusing on the things you can control, which is yourself and how you are showing up in your relationship. ​

It’s easy to be well versed in all your partner’s flaws and be blind to our own contribution. ​ So by connecting back to yourself you will become aware of the things you may be doing that are part of the problem.

And work on improving in those areas. ​ ​ By doing so you become the empowered creator of the life and marriage you truly desire. ​

✔︎Second: ​ Now that you’ve shifted your focus and you’re working on changing the things you can control. ​ I help you learn better, more effective ways of communicating with your partner. ​

Learning to listen and speak in ways that promote respectful, honest meaningful conversation about important issues that keep resurfacing in your marriage so you can clear away built up frustration and resentments that have kept you feeling disconnected. ​

✔︎Third: ​ I help you to DISTINGUISH FACT FROM STORY, help you identify beliefs that aren’t true or are only maybe half true, and help expand your perspective around the meaning you assign to the way your partner behaves. ​

When relationships have been stuck in repeated patterns over years, not only do we get good at doing things that are unhealthy and ineffective. ​ We also think and believe things that are unhealthy, ineffective and NOT TRUE. ​

But we’re so close to the situation that we can’t even see that these thoughts we keep thinking have the possibility of not being true. ​
Like the labels we assign to our partner or to our marriage. Like this will never work, he’ll never change, he always does this, see he did it again.
So our thinking is actually looking for evidence to support the stories and beliefs we’ve been practicing for so long. ​

For example, If your partner is someone that doesn’t share his feelings easily. ​ Some could make this mean, he doesn’t care. ​
And if you’ve been believing that for years it may take some time and shift in perspective to consider that he does actually care and he shows this in other ways. ​

And instead of always looking for the evidence to show he doesn’t care, you would FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON ALL THE WAYS THAT HE DOES SHOW HE CARES. The more we notice and appreciate what IS, the more we will see that. ​

👉🏼If you want to learn the actual skills it takes to create your dream marriage instead of just solving symptoms then send me a message inside the DMs about my 12 week marriage mastery private coaching program.

👉🏼Marriage Mastery is for professional, growth minded, women (& couples) who have been successful in so many areas of their life, they have everything they’ve wanted and worked so hard for but can’t enjoy it because your marriage has been struggling for years. ​

Perhaps your marriage took a back seat to growing your business or raising your kids or both and you and your spouse found yourself little more than roommates after years of neglecting your relationship. ​

This is a common scenario for many professional women, trying to balance all the areas of their life.

And inside my marriage mastery program I will teach you EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO to get your marriage back on track, reconnect with your spouse, prioritize your relationship so you can truly enjoy the life you have built together and enjoy the second chapter of your life together. ​

With all of that said, if you are interested in making your marriage the best it can be in 2024, then just send me a email or book a consultation here and we’ll have a chat to see if my 12 week Marriage Mastery program is a good fit for you. ​  Or click here for all the details about how Marriage Mastery works.

When you send me a message please share the details about how long you’ve been married, what problems you’re struggling with specifically and how you want your relationship to be different in the next several months. ​ ​ If I think I can help you, we’ll schedule a call to figure out a start date for you. ​

I look forward to connecting with you.